A Queen Shall Rise
by Stressed2Obsessed
Summary: Ashley Dovahkiin has just moved into South Park, and she's not exactly happy about it. Sad and angry about having to leave her friends and her teammates, she tries her best to be happy for her parents. Then, just days after moving in, she becomes part of something bigger than she ever could have guessed when she moved to this quiet mountain town.
1. Just One Day

A Queen Shall Rise

Ch. 1  
Just Day One

 _Deep in the lands of Zaron, the humans of Kupa Keep struggle to stay alive as they are attacked by the wicked Drow Elves of Larnion. Darkness falls as the humans beg their King to save them. A noble King, known only as the Grand Wizard. For a thousand years the battle has been waged, with only the bravery of the Grand Wizard to protect his human followers. But even though the Wizard King is so undeniably cool, the Drow Elf armies continue their attacks. They seek the human's most treasured relic- the Stick of Truth. But the tides of war are soon to change, as news of a "new" kid spreads throughout the land. In order to save the humans, the Grand Wizard must get to the new kid, before the Drow Elves can manipulate his mind and USE him, to take the sacred relic from human hands. For whoever controls the Stick… controls the universe…_

* * *

I huffed as I placed the last box on the floor next to my dresser. That should be the last of it. I wiped some sweat off my forehead as I straightened up and looked around my new room. Compared to my old one, it was small, but cozy enough. Nothing a little decorating wouldn't fix, though. I opened up the box closest to my bed and began taking some items out.

First thing I took out were my snow globes. I had always liked to collect them. There was a small one from the Central Park Zoo, a big one from an aquarium, a small candle one that my mom got me for my 9th birthday, and a large Christmas one. The last one was my favorite. It was the biggest, the prettiest, and it had a music inside. I smiled as I twisted the knob before setting the glob down. The soft tune of Silent Night played throughout my room.

I turned to another box and to start taking out some of my old clothes. On top of the pile in the box were two things; my purple baseball hat and my glove. I was pitcher for my old school's baseball team, and I loved every bit of it. Of all the things that I was going to miss from New York, playing with my team was on top of the list.

I picked up the two objects in my hands, and smiled. I then turned to look at the cheap wall mirror mom had gotten me. My hair was in a low, messy bun, with some of my bangs hanging around my face. Though its natural color was dark brown, like both of my parents, mine was a soft, dark shade of green. That's right. I was nine years old and had my hair dyed green. It was a present for my last birthday. My parents said that they would let me dye my hair if I got at least one A on my report card, and I did! It's not that I didn't like my natural hair, it was just fun and cool to color it. Not to mention, being the only kid in school to have colored hair was pretty badass.

I grinned as I placed my baseball cap on top of my hair. Somehow, it really pulled off the whole look. Suddenly, I heard a knock on my door.

"Ashley? Sweetie, you all dressed?"

I quickly tossed my glove onto the bed and straightened up my black T-shirt.

"Yeah, I'm good."

The door opened, and in stepped my parents. Tall, pale and with full heads of dark brown hair, even with my green hair I still looked like the spitting image of both of them. I had my mother's dark brown eyes though.

"Hey, Champ. How do you like your new room?" my dad asked.

I looked around and nodded. "It's alright."

"I know it's a big change for all of us, but… hon, do you remember why we moved to this quiet little mountain town?"

I raised an eyebrow. "'Cause you got a better job offer here, right?"

"Y-yes!" Mom stepped in. "Yes, that's it. No other reason! Uh, sweetie, we want you to have lots of fun here. Why don't you go out and make some friends?"

"Right, get outside and play, hon. Like… like normal kids. Maybe you can find some nice kids to play baseball with. I heard the boys around here like to play at the park once in a while."

I huffed and folded my arms. "The boys here aren't gonna let me play with them, dad."

"Well, I'm sure the girls might-"

I snorted. "Have you seen this place? I highly doubt the girls here like to play sports."

As much as I loved playing with my girls back in the city, I always got picked on for trying to play with boys. I don't know why I wanted to play with them so much. They just seemed to have a little more fun than my team did, and I wanted some of that. But, they would never let me onto their ballfield, or play with them at all for that matter, just because I was a girl. I really made me angry sometimes.

"Well… you never know," my dad continued. "The boys here might be nicer and will let you play."

"Anyways, you should still go outside and explore," said Mom. "We've got some money on the kitchen counter, sweetie. Just… be back before it gets dark."

I sighed. "Yes, ma'am."

Dad rolled his eyes. "Yeah, we love you, too."

They both turned and shut the door behind them. I kicked at the ground a little bit, feeling a bit bummed out now. Whatever. Mom was right. I might as well check out this town and at least try to have fun.

After grabbing the money off the counter (along with some additional money I found around the house), I finally went outside. One thing about this place was it was cold. So cold that the snow seemed to never melt. At least that's what some of the locals had said. But, it was a warmer cold than what I was used to in the city.

I stuffed my hands in my pockets as I started heading down the sidewalk. It was pretty quiet, save for the car or two that would drive by. I kicked some snow from underneath my feet, my eyes on the ground.

"You shall die by my Warhammer, drow elf!"

I glanced up at the sound of another person nearby, and I saw two boys around my height just several feet ahead of me. One was a small kid dressed like Robin Hood with elf ears. The other was a little blonde boy dressed in blue robes and a cape that looked like a bath towel, along with a gold band around his head.

"I banish thee to the Forest Realm."

"No way, I banished you first! Ha HA! You can't hold out much longer."

"Help! Somebody! I can't hold out much longer!"

I frowned. I didn't know what these two were doing, but I wasn't about to see another kid get picked on. I ran right up to the elf kid and punched him right in the arm. He yelped in pain, dropping his wooden sword.

"Hey, no fair! That's cheating. I'm gonna tell my mom!"

He picked up his sword and ran off in the opposite direction. The little blonde boy picked up his hammer and walked over to me.

"Thanks, kid. I didn't realize he had a health potion," he raised his hands and bowed to me. "My- my name is Butters the Merciful. I'm a paladin."

I couldn't help but look at him pityingly. Poor kid. He had that naive, innocent look about him that made bad people want to mess him up. Still, I couldn't help but smile and bow my head back.

"Nice to meet you, I'm Ash."

"Cool! Hey, looks like I live right next door to you! We should be friends!"

I blinked, but didn't decline. No sooner did he say that than I got an alarm on my phone, telling me I had gained a follower on Facebook. That didn't take long at all. Wait until mom and dad hear this. Before I could reply at all, Butters immediately turned and started to walk away.

"Now that we're friends, you should speak with the Wizard King! He's been talking about your arrival!"

"He has?"

"Are you kidding? The whole town's been talking about it. It's been ages since anyone new has come here. Come on now, the Wizard lives this way, in the green house, over there."

I swallowed as I looked back at my home, then back at Butters' retreating figure. I quickly made up my mind and began running after him. I didn't slow down until I was right behind him, huffing slightly.

"Where're you from?"

"Um… New York City."

"Ooh, the big city. You don't look much like a city kid."

I shrugged, unsure of how to respond. Butters looked over at me.

"You don't talk much, do yah?"

I shook my head.

"That's fine. I can talk for the both of us if I have to."

After a few moments, we reached a tall, bright green house. Butters walked up to the door and didn't hesitate to knock on it. A second later, the door opened to reveal a really fat kid in purple robes and a blue wizards hat, holding a large staff.

"All hail the Grand Wizard!" Butters proclaimed, then whispered to me, "This is Eric, but everyone calls him Cartman."

"So, you are the new kid. Your coming was foretold by a Coldwell Banker. I am the Wizard King."

I raised an eyebrow at him. "Um… hey, I'm-."

"The time for talk is nigh. Let me show you my kingdom."

Cartman turned and walked away, Butters following behind him. I remained where I stood, frozen in confusion and nervousness. I literally just walked outside 20 minutes ago and all of a sudden I have all of these people wanting to talk to me. How? Butters stopped following Cartman and walked back to me, slowly raising his hand.

"Aww, it's okay to be nervous, Ash."

Butters smiled at me, and I couldn't help but feel better. Shrugging, I took his hand and let him lead me into the house. We passed through the living room and by Cartman's mom, who was watching Terrance and Philip. We went through the large, very clean kitchen and out into the backyard, and that's when I saw just how huge the "kingdom" actually was.

It was nothing like the forts I used to make when I was little. There were towers as tall as trees, animal pits and fighting rings, and several stations where there appeared to be armor for sale. There were several more boys, all in different kinds of robes and armor, some nice, others looking ready for battle. It was very impressive.

"Welcome, to the kingdom of Kuppa Keep."

Cartman walked over to a weapon station, where a mouse-haired boy in red robes stood.

"Our weapon shop here is tended by Clyde, a level 14 warrior."

Clyde smirked and gave me a small nod, which I returned. Cartman walked over to the animal pit, where there was a boy in green robes and his tongue was sticking out.

"Here you can see our massive stables. Overseen by level 9 ranger… Scott Malkinson, who has the power of diabetes."

I frown at Cartman, but Scoot seemed happy and grinned at me. I smiled back as Cartman lead me towards the castle. Next to its entrance, there was what I thought was a very pretty girl, with golden winglets in her hair, a gold crown on her head, and wearing a white and purple dress that flowed beautifully in the wind. It was only a second later that I realized it was a boy in a wig.

"And here, of course, is the breathtaking and lovely Princess Kenny. The fairest maiden in all the kingdom," Cartman introduced, then he whispered to me, "Don't ask why Kenny wanted to be a chick, it's just how he seems to be rolling right now…"

Princess Kenny curled a strand of golden hair around her finger, smiling sweetly at me. I smiled and gave a small bow, making her giggle. Curiously, I walked around the backyard/kingdom, feeling more and more excited by the second. This was awesome! I was already making friends. Not only had I made new friends with a bunch of boys, I was actually going to be able to play with them. Dad was right!

Cartman was calling me back, and I was on my way back before I felt my foot kick something. I looked down and saw a beautiful daffodil. I picked it up off the ground before walking back to the others. I turned to Princess Kenny and offered the flower to her. She squealed and took it from me happily. My phone went off again, and I realized I had gained another Facebook friend. As Princess Kenny swooned over the flower, I walked over to Cartman and Butters.

"You have been sought out, New Kid, because humans everywhere are in great danger. I need something from you and, in return, I am prepared to allow you into my kingdom."

"Really?"

"Yes, I know you are very excited. It's time for your first quest, but first- please tell us thy name."

"Actually, my king, they're name is-"

"He's a grown boy, Butters," Cartman cut him off. "He is perfectly capable of speaking his own name. So, traveler?"

I stared at Cartman with my mouth opened, too focused on the particular words he had just said. _Boy. He. His_. These words spun through my head at top speed. They thought I was a boy, that's why they were letting me play with them. They didn't know I was a girl.

"New Kid?"

I gulped. "A-Ash," I said quickly. "My name is Ash."

Cartman nodded. "Very well, Ash. You will now choose a class: Fighter, Mage, Thief, or Jew. Go into the chest, and pick out your robes."

I glanced over at Butters worryingly. "What should I pick?"

"Whatever your heart desires, Ash," Butters said simply.

I rolled my eyes. "Alright…"

I went over to a large chest filled with clothes. Well, if I had to pick a class… I guess Mage sounded the best. Who cares if I'm not as cool as the Grand Wizard. Magic is magic, right? I took out a bright blue bathrobe and put it on, along with a silver headband. I also found a pretty, silver mage ring in the pocket, and immediately put it on. It went well with my necklace. I walked back over to Cartman and Butters once I was done.

"Well, how do I look?"

"You look great!" said Butters.

"We welcome to our Kingdom, Ash the Mage!" Cartman declared.

"Hooray!"

"Now, please go and visit the weapons shop. Procure yourself a weapon and we shall teach you to fight!"

I nodded and immediately headed over to the weapons shop. Clyde was still over there, polishing one of his many weapons.

"Would you like to see my wares, weary traveler?"

"Um, sure. Whatcha got for a Mage?"

"We have a nice level 1 magic wand right here for you."

"Level 1, huh? Well, gotta start somewhere, I guess. I'll take that one."

"Ah, a lovely purchase."

Clyde handed me the wand as I handed him 2 dollars. I looked down at the small, but very pointy twig with contempt. It wasn't the best looking thing, but it would have to do. I held it up in the air, and imagined I could feel the magic flowing through me. As I pictured magic sparks coming out of it, Cartman walked over to us.

"Ah! You have procured a weapon. Nice. It is now time to teach you how to fight," he said. "I want you to take your new weapon, and, with the bravery of a noble knight- beat up Clyde."

"What?!" Clyde and I said in unison.

"Kick Clyde's ass, Ash!"

"What'd I do?!"

"I'm the King, Clyde, and the King wishes to be amused!" Cartman smirked at me. "Go on, Ash, kick his ass."

Clyde sighed irritably as he made is way over to the arena. I followed him nervously. I didn't want to fight anyone just yet. Besides, I'm only level 1, surely he'll beat me! I gulped as I stepped into the opposite side of the ring. Cartman stood on the outside, observing us both.

"I'm gonna kick your ass!" Clyde threatened.

"Clyde you have to wait your turn."

"That's lame."

"No Clyde, it's like olden times. You have to wait your turn. Like in Middle Ages, Clyde! I know it's lame, Clyde, but that's how we're fucking doing it!" Cartman looked over at me. "All right, Ash, bash Clyde's face in! Don't be shy."

I looked at my wand, then looked up at Clyde. I shrugged before running forward until I was right in front of him. I raised my wand and brought it down onto his head. He grunted in pain as I quickly thrusted my arm forward and hit him again. He moaned as I stepped back to the other side of the arena.

"Oh hell yeah! Clyde's your bitch!" Cartman jeered. "All right, Clyde's wearing armor. In order to hurt him, I want you to hit Clyde as hard as you can."

I nodded before taking a small stance. I was quickly getting used to this, but still felt bad about hitting him. Nevertheless, I quickly ran forward until I was in front of him. I spun around with my stick and it whipped him across the face.

"Ow!"

"Oh shit, dude, I think I see blood! Fucking nice, brah! That's exactly what you do to guys with armor like that," the King continued. "Okay, listen up. The key to surviving in battle is not to get hit in the balls. Clyde, it's your turn to attack. Ash, protect your balls!"

 _Not like I need to worry about that,_ I thought to myself. Clyde ran forward, shouting, "Prepare yourself!" I raised my wand to block him, but he managed to hit my shoulder before walking away.

"No, no. I said PROTECT. PROTECT your balls."

Clyde remained silent as he advanced on me again. I groaned as I raised my wand again, ready this time. He swung down as I swung up, and I blocked his attack.

"YES! That's what I'm talking about. Dude, you're already WAY better than Clyde," the King laughed. "All right. It is time to use some of your heroic powers. Using your abilities takes power points, or PP for short."

Clyde snickered. "Hehe… PP…"

"IF YOU HAVE A FUCKING BETTER NAME FOR THEM THEN FUCKING SAY IT, CLYDE!" The King yelled. "FUCKING ASSHOLE! I'M THE KING, AND I SAY IT'S PP! Ash, use your Mage ability to make Clyde pay for insulting the king!"

"But, I don't…"

But just then, I felt something slip into my back pocket. I turned to see no one except Butters, who was walking away from me, whistling to himself. I looked into my pocket and saw what were clearly several roman candles and a lighter. Each of the roman candles had the words "Dragon's Breath" written on them. Sweet. My parents never let me play with fireworks. I took out a roman candle and lit it with the lighter before quickly running over to Clyde. The candle was small so it didn't blow up, but it did send thick sparks into this face and set his head on fire.

"Way to wipe that smile off his stupid face, Ash. Now… do it one more time. Finish him!"

"What? I was going easy!" Clyde sputtered. "Take this!"

He ran forward and swung his sword at me. I blocked the first one just fine, but the second one still hit me in the gut. Clyde's head was still on fire as he went back to his spot. I didn't want to waste my candles just yet, but orders were orders. I took out another candle and lit it up on Clyde, the fire on his head increasing slightly. He gave a fatal wheeze before finally falling to the ground, weeping. Despite feeling bad about hurting him, I also felt proud. I had just won my first battle. As Clyde finally put out the fire on his head, Cartman began to laugh.

"Dude, that was awesome! You all like _brammgmg!_ And Clyde was all like 'ahghg noo!' Ha ha ahaaa!"

I was happy that Cartman was happy about my fight. He seemed like he was a tough guy to please, so I felt I had made an accomplishment in that. Cartman finally caught his breath as he stopped laughing and immediately became serious again.

"Okay, okay… You've proved yourself worthy, Ash. Now, come inside the war tent and I shall let you see the relic."

Cartman turned and walked back into his tent. I was about to follow when I heard angry grumbling from behind me. Clyde was still picking himself up, brushing dirt off of this costume.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"I'm fine," he said shortly.

Before I could apologize or anything, Clyde turned and stomped back to his station by the weapons. I felt bad, but I figured it might be okay. I'll apologize to him later.

I turned and followed Cartman into his tent. It was a pretty sweet set up, despite the mess. There was food, robes, weapons of all sort, and a tall, makeshift throne that was pretty impressive. As I turned to examine all of the room, I saw Cartman standing in front of a makeshift pedestal. On it was a long, plain-looking stick on top of a soft, red pillow.

"Well, here it is. The reason why humans and elves are locked in a never-ending war. The relic for which human and elf are willing to die…" Cartman gestured. "The Stick of Truth."

I walked forward to stand beside him to get a closer look at the Stick. It was just a little twig, but something compelled me to gaze at it in wonder, the same way Cartman was.

"What's so powerful about it?" I asked.

"Ash, this stick is the most powerful force on Earth," he answered. "Just two days ago, we took the Stick back from the elves. Our kingdom was dying, but now it thrives. For whoever controls the Stick, controls the universe."

"Wow…"

"Don't gaze at it too long!" he warned. "For its power is too much for mere mortals to look at!"

I gulped and turned my head away from the Stick. Cartman put a hand on my shoulder and lead me away from the pedestal.

"Now that you have seen the Stick of Truth, let's discuss your dues. Being a member of my kingdom costs nine ninety-five for the first week, four dollars of which is tax deductible."

I frowned. "You're joking, right?"

"Alarm! Alarm! Alarm!"

Cartman removed his hand, looking worried. "Someone has sounded the alarm!"

"Alarm! Alarm! Alarm!"

At that moment, Butters came running into the tent, waving his arms and shouting "Alarm!" He looked terrified.

"What is it?"

"The elves are attacking!"

"Oh my god!" Cartman cried. "Defensive positions!"

He and Butters both ran out before I could say or do anything. I stood still for a moment before running out after them.

"Man the gate! Don't let them through!"

"Give us the Stick, humans!"

"Fuck you, drow elf! Come and get it!" Cartman turned to Clyde. "CLYDE! GUARD THE STICK OF TRUTH WHILE WE DEFEND THE FORTRESS!"

"Aye, aye!"

"'Aye, aye'?! We're not playing PIRATES, Clyde!" Cartman looked at me. "Ash, this is your chance to prove yourself. HOLD OFF THE ASSHOLE ELVES AT ALL COSTS!"

And with that, he ran off to fight. I stood there for a moment, feeling nervous. What was going to happen now? These kids seemed to take this game pretty seriously. And this wasn't training anymore, this was real. I gripped my wand tightly as I pulled a serious face and ran out into the fray.

The kingdom was in uproar. There were now dozens of elves just like the one I had seen attacking Butters earlier, all with fake, pointed ears. I looked to my right and saw that Butters had his weapon knocked out of this hand, and the elf attacking him was still hitting him without mercy. I quickly ran forward and smacked the elf with my wand, engaging the fight. A second elf with a bow and arrow ran in to help his friend.

"Do it, Ash! Kick these elves' asses!"

"Suck on this!"

The elf with the bow loaded it and fired at me. I wasn't ready, and it hit me right on my forehead. I groaned. That actually hurt.

"You're wounded, Ash!" Cartman cried. "Some potions will heal you. Here."

He tossed something in my direction and I caught it. It was a bag of… Cheesy Poofs? Whatever. I opened the bag and ate up the poofs, feeling instantly better.

"The rules are you can have one potion every turn. I asked for five but this was a compromise," he said. "Okay, this other guy is fast, Ash. Try to block all his attacks."

The second elf ran forward, holding his sword in the air. He swung up, I blocked it. He swung at my middle, and I blocked it again. This time, I knocked him off his balance, and he fell to the ground.

"Okay, if you block all the attacks you get a counterattack. Look at your enemy on the ground, weak and helpless. KICK THE SHIT OUT OF HIM!"

I gripped my wand tightly before plunging it forward into the elf before me. He yelped before quickly retreating backwards.

"Awesome, you kicked his helpless ass! Now, finish off these elves in the name of the Wizard King."

"Yes, your highness," I responded. I was really starting to get into this.

I gazed at the elves as I thought of who I should go for first. I decided to go for the first one. I ran up to him and quickly smacked him with a double attack, knocking him out. I grinned at the second elf, who already had another arrow ready. He fired, but this time I was ready. Holding my wand like a baseball bat, I swung out and blocked the oncoming arrow. He stared at me in surprise as I ran forward and smashed his head with my wand, making him run away.

"Great job, Ash!"

Once that fight was over I quickly ran out to see who else needed help. I looked and saw that Scott was unconscious on the ground, a tall elf still beating him. I quickly ran forward and smacked the elf in the back of the head. He turned his attention away from Scott and focused on me as another elf with a bow came to help him.

"You got this, Ash!"

"Die, asshole!"

The elf in the back fired his arrows and I quickly blocked both of them. I gripped my wand as I ran forward to the first guy in front of me. I swung my wand, but he quickly blocked and hit my knees before I could do anything.

"Hahaha! Aw, man, he was totally waiting for you, dude. You can't just hit him like that," Cartman laughed.

"Well, what the hell am I supposed to do?"

"You need to try a different tactic to damage him. Look at that archer, hiding behind his friend like a wuss. Switch to your arrows, Ash. Snipe that little bitch!"

"But I don't have any-"

But just as I spoke I felt something else slip onto my shoulder. I looked and saw that I now had a bow, along with a quiver full of arrows. I smirked as I took out the bow and an arrow, aiming at the archer. Archery wasn't my best skill, but I knew enough to make a hit. I aimed at the archer elf and fired. It hit him right in his eye, and he dropped his weapons and ran.

"Yeah, bitch! That's what you get for fucking with the Wizard King."

"I'm telling!"

"Careful, Ash! That guy's ready for your arrows now. You gotta try something else."

I immediately took out my lighter and a candle, lighting it up. I brought it up to the elf and it started sparking in his face. He dropped his sword as he fell backwards, defeated.

"Hell yeah, I'm on a roll!" I cheered.

I looked to see if there were any more elves around, and saw one asshole elf beating up Cartman's cat. Seriously? Beating up other kids is one thing, but animals? No way! I ran up to him and didn't hesitate to smack him in the face. He and his friend began to advance on me.

"Okay, that guy has a shield," said Cartman. "Shields are super weak. Just hit them with your simplest hit over and over to wear them down quickly."

I nodded as I took my wand. I ran over to the shielded elf and smacked him a total three times. The first took out his shield, the other two knocked him out completely. His friend stared at me, surprised.

"The other elf let his guard down! Now's your chance. Power Attack his armor!"

I ran forward and gave a powerful swing, knocking down his armor. He grunted, but remained standing.

"That's it! Now finish him!"

The elf ran up to me with his large hammer, and swung it at me. I blocked it, knocked him down, then stabbed him in his rear end. Once it was my turn, I ran up and did another power attack. I smacked him right across the face and he fell, dropping his weapon.

"Drow Elves! Fall back! Fall back, I say!"

At once, all of the elves began to stand and run away, following their leader back into Cartman's house. The remaining humans all stood and watched as the elves ran away.

"YES! Awesome, dude!" Cartman hollered. "TAKE THAT, YOU ASSHOLE ELVES! Better luck next time! NA NA NA NA NAAA NA! WE STILL CONTROL THE UNIVERSE! HA HA HA HA HAAA HA!"

"It's gone."

We all turned to see Clyde standing beside us. Everyone stared at him.

"What?"

"The Stick of Truth. The elves got it."

There were three solid seconds of silence, in which everyone stared blankly at Clyde, who appeared unfazed by what he had done. Cartman was the first to snap.

"THAT WAS YOUR ONE GOD DAMN JOB CLYDE! TO GUARD THE STICK OF FUCKING TRUTH!"

Clyde still remained unfazed as he stared back at Cartman, who sighed irritably. Then, he stared daggers as he continued,

"Clyde… you are hereby, BANISHED FROM SPACE AND TIME!"

"What?! NO! You can't do that."

"Yeah, I can! You're banished and lost in time and space!"

"Yeah! Go home, Clyde!" Butters added.

Everyone waited expectantly as Clyde stared at all of them. He stood there for a moment before letting out an angry sound and turning away. He bumped my shoulder hard as he walked past me, pushing me away. I gulped. I guess he was still mad about me beating him up earlier.

"You fought bravely on the battlefield, Ash," Cartman told me.

"Yeah, this New Kid may be a douchebag but he sure can fight!"

"Shut up, Scoot, nobody cares what you think," Cartman continued before I could tell him off for being mean. "Anyways, we have a bigger problem now! The Stick of Truth has been stolen and we must assemble our ENTIRE army in order to get it back."

"But our three best warriors still haven't reported for duty, my king!" Butters piped up.

"What do we do?" I asked.

"Oh, you should be able to handle that."

"Me-"

"Ash, I want you to go out into the neighborhood and find my greatest warriors- Token, Tweek, and Craig. I am texting their pictures to your personal inventory device now…"

At that moment I felt my phone in my pocket buzz. I took it out to see I had a message from Cartman. Inside were the three pictures; a small black boy in red and purple robes, a twitchy-looking blonde kid with black stripes painted across his face, and a small boy in a dark blue cap and a black cape. This had to be them.

"I got them."

"Good. Now, beware… the lands outside are full of marauding drow elves, monsters and sixth graders. Be sure you are well equipped. Now go! And send my warriors here! Butters, go with him."

Butters bowed to Cartman before trotting up to stand by me. It was then that I got another buzz on my phone and looked down. It was a message from Cartman, again. It said that I had now leveled up and had gotten a new ability. I looked at my profile and saw that my new ability, right next to "Dragon's Breath", was "Dust of Dreams"- magical sleeping powder that stunned my enemies. In truth, it was just a pouch full of flour and salt, but it looked magic enough.

"W-wow, you leveled up already!" Butters had been looking at my phone over my shoulder. "You must be really good."

"Oh, thanks," I brought up the pictures of the three boys on my phone. "Who should we go to first?"

"We should go to Token's first," said Butters. "He's the closest. He lives up past the movie theater."

I switched my screen to my gps. A map of South Park that came up and looked all over until I found the theater.

"Okay, where from here?"

"Oh, r-right here."

"Okay," I grinned at Butters. "Let's get going."

* * *

 **I originally started writing this when I had writers block, just to help get the creative juices flowing. Then, I actually started having fun writing it so I figured, "Eh, fuck it. Let's post it." Leave a review, tell me what you think.**


	2. Warriors Three

Ch. 2  
Warriors Three

After raiding Cartman's house for some money and materials, we began heading down the street. I saw several other kids who weren't dressed in robes, but in normal clothes. They obviously weren't playing. We also passed several adults as well, most of whom were on their phones.

"Everyone is kinda glued to their phones, huh?" I asked Butter.

"I suppose," he said. "It's usually the grownups though. They're really weird."

I nodded. Grownups were indeed weird.

After passing the theater and going up another street, we walked through the snow on the way to what I assumed to be Token's house. The fences were replaced with tall, brick walls, and the streets here looked much cleaner and had less snow on them. We had been walking in silence for several minutes now. As I walked down the sidewalk I could feel Butters' eyes on me as he walked beside me.

"So, uh… Y-you were wearing a baseball hat earlier," he started. "Do you play baseball?"

I nodded. "Yeah, all the time. I even played for my school's baseball team."

"Wowie. You must be a really good player!"

"Oh, I don't know about that. I mean, I'm not perfect," I could feel my ears growing hot. "But, I do love it very much."

"Oh boy! You should play with us sometime," Butters suggested. "Every now and then we all go to the baseball field and mess around. I bet you'd love it."

I smiled and thanked him. Butters was definitely the nicest person here so far. I had a feeling he and I was going to get along.

As we rounded the corner I finally spotted the entrance. The words "Dark Meadows" were engraved on the front of the gate. It looked like the entrance to a big community, but it seemed to only encase one house.

"That's Token's place," said Butters.

I nodded and began to walk towards the front of the gate. There was a security guard standing with a clipboard in his hand. He looked very mean, but not very intimidating. An odd combo. I slowly walked up to him and took a deep breath.

"Hello, um… we're trying to see our friend? It's urgent?"

"This is a gated community, kid," the guard spoke stiffly. "We do not allow in the riffraff. Move along."

I raised my eyebrow. "Well, is there any way we can get inside-"

Before I could finish my sentence he advanced on me. He took out a big bottle of peppery spray and sprayed it in my face. My vision went black as I fell to my knees and proceeded to vomit on the ground.

"If you try again, I will pepper spray you back to the Stone Age."

I coughed and spat as I struggled to my feet, running down the sidewalk and not stopping until I reached the corner. Butters called after me and didn't stop running until he reached me. I was scrubbing my eyes as best I could, but without water I was helpless.

"Oh Jesus… here, this way."

Butters grabbed my arm and helped walk me down a few more feet before he stopped me. I heard the sound of rushing water, and I squinted my eyes open a little. He had lead me to a water fountain.

"H-here you go," he said gently.

I brought my hands up and cupped some water, splashing it onto my face. The whole time Butters stayed beside me and patted me on the back, muttering words of encouragement. For some reason, that seemed to be helping me feel better as well. After splashing for a few moments my vision started to clear and my eyes stung less. The slightly blurry image of Butters smiled at me.

"Better?"

"You bet. Thanks…" I looked back down the street and was suddenly filled with rage. "Ooh, I'm gonna get that son of a bitch!"

"Wow nelly!" Butters cried, grabbing my sleeve as I tried to run back. "Now just hold it one second. We can't fight him as long as he's got that pepper spray. We gotta find a way around that first."

I sighed. "Yeah… you're probably right. But how?"

"Well… what about some gas masks?" he suggested. "There's some at Jimbo's Guns. They can still sell stuff like that to kids."

I nodded. "Alright, let's go."

Butters lead the way as we started heading towards Jimbo's Guns. But, as we were walking I felt my phone buzz. I looked down to see a message on Facebook from Cartman.

" _HAHAHAHA Dude someone just posted a video of you getting pepper sprayed! Hold on I gotta watch that again. AHAHAHAHA it's even better when you know what's coming!"_

I rolled my eyes. I'm guessing Cartman wasn't exactly a nice person, huh? Whatever. There were way more annoying kids in New York. I scrolled down below the message and I could see exactly how many people had liked it… and who.

"Butters!" I snapped. "You liked the video?"

Butter stammered as he fiddled with his gloves. "W-well, I- I still thought it was f-funny, and… uh, oh geez…"

I sighed. "Whatever. Forget it. Let's keep going."

Butters remained quiet as we started to walk past the South Park Mall. I suppose he probably felt bad. Serves him right. But, still. He didn't really do any harm, I guess. I turned towards him to start my apology, but before I could two elves suddenly leapt out from behind the parking lot fence and charged.

"This elf's gonna fuck you up!"

"Oh shit!" I spat.

I blocked the first elf's attack, and managed to hit him first. Good, that means Butters and I can go first now. I went first, and I looked at all of my options to see what I should do. I decided to give my new magic ability a test drive. I took out the little bag and ran forward towards the elf with the sword. I took a handful of dust and quickly tossed it into his eyes. While he was rubbing his eyes, I took my right hand- the one with my wizard ring- and punched him straight in the chest. He fell to the ground, stunned as I retreated back to my spot.

I wasn't sure what Butters' exact abilities were, but I was excited to see. Once it was his turn, I was surprised to see him run forward towards the other elf.

"By the hammer of Butters!"

He raised his hammer in the air and began spinning around in circles. After a second he stopped and threw his hammer, which hit the elf right between his eyes. He fell backwards onto the ground, but he got back up almost immediately, now looking pissed.

"I just- was seein' if it worked!" Butters pleaded as he stepped back.

Since the first elf was still stunned, it was the pissed off one's turn. He wasted no time in charging at Butters with his hammer. I was worried, but Butters blocked it perfectly. Once it was my turn I took out my wand and tried to decide who I should go for.

"Come on!" said the one who was pissed off.

I glared at him before advancing. He hardly stood a chance as I brought my wand down onto his head, knocking him out. Butters quickly took his turn as I came back. He went out with his hammer again, raising it up and holding there for a moment before also bringing it down on the stunned one's head. This brought his health down, but not enough as he once again got to his feet. I quickly went out with my wand again before he could even do anything, and smacked him in the face. He fainted. We had won.

"Maybe now you'll turn your life around," said Butters. "Come on now, Ash, we got places to be."

I nodded. I made sure to pickpocket the two passed out elves before continuing to follow Butters down the sidewalk.

We continued down the street, passed a broken up place called City Sushi, a huge building called the Tower of Peace, and even came by a restaurant called City Wok. While passing these stores, I noticed there was a tall pole with a little red flash on it.

"What's that?"

"Oh, that's a Travel Flag," Butters answered. "Sometimes if you're lost, or too tired, you can go to one of those flags and Jimmy will drive you around to another flag. He gives rides to both kingdoms, so no one ever hurts him."

We continued just a little further down the street before I saw the sign for Jimbo's Guns. I quickly opened the door and walked in. This place was filled with guns, knives, ammo, grenades, hell I'm pretty sure I saw a rocket launcher behind the counter. There were only two people there; a tall, beefy man dressed in orange and camo, and a short, skinnier man with shades and a bandana on his head.

"Howdy there!" piped up the beefy one, who I assumed to be Jimbo. "Haven't seen you before. You must be the new kid that moved to town- and you're into huntin', huh?"

"Actually, I-"

"Well, my boy, you've come to the right place! South Park is FULL o' things to shoot that would delight ANY taxidermist, survivalist or weekend animal death enthusiast! Ain't much I can sell to a minor- thanks to the stupid Democrats…"

I raised my eyebrows at him. I wasn't sure about this guy. For one, he also couldn't see well enough to tell that I was a girl. For another, he sounded like he had no more than an eight grade education. He kept droning on about hunting and some sort of book he had or whatever, and I paid him no mind as I looked around for a gas mask. I looked up at equipment that sat on shelves behind Jimbo, and I saw a gas mask sitting up there.

"Hey, how much for your gas mask?"

"Oh, that'll be five dollars."

I quickly took out five dollars and placed it on the counter. Jimbo took the mask off the shelf and handed it to me.

"Here yah go! Good thing you came in, that was the last mask in the whole shop."

I nodded. "Thank you."

After leaving Jimbo's shop we quickly headed back down the street, back in the direction of Token's house. I thought about how easy it was for Jimbo to tell that I was new in town, and of how odd it was that he couldn't tell that I was a girl. Maybe the girls around here were more feminine, and my tomboy look was throwing people off. That would explain why Cartman couldn't tell that I was a girl.

"So, is everyone friends with everyone around here?" I asked. "Is it like one of those 'everyone knows everyone here' kind of places?"

"Pretty much," said Butters. "It's a small town and it has one school. Pretty much everyone knows each other. H-hey, you'll be coming to South Park Elementary from now on, huh?"

"Yeah, I guess I will. Is it an okay school?"

"Oh, it's a little rough around the edges, but you'll get used to it."

"Oh, okay. Say, how long does playing this game last anyway?"

"We usually stop when it's our bedtime or if we're at school," he answered. "We don't want our parents gettin' mad and not lettin' us play. Say, what to your parents do?"

"They're professional therapists," I told him. "They used to co-own their own office back in New York, but I guess they'll be working at home for now."

"Wow, that's neato."

I smiled at him. "So, what is it about the kids on the elven side? What happens when you take a break or the game is over?"

"Then we go back to being friends," said Butters. "None of us are friends while we play, though. A lot of my friends decided to be elves when we started playing, so now we're all enemies at the moment. But, I usually like Stan and Kyle."

"Stan and Kyle? Who's that?"

"Friends from the neighborhood. They only live a block away from us. Boy, I bet when this game is over they'd love to meet you."

Before I could respond we had already rounded the corner and were met with the sight of the gate entrance again. I could see the security guard standing there, still looking at his clipboard. I gritted my teeth as I mentally pictured shoving a doughnut down his throat while hitting his face repeatedly.

"Don't forget your mask," Butters reminded me, sounding a lot like my mother.

I nodded and quickly slipped the mask onto my face. It was snug, but it fit. I smirked widely as I confidently strode up to the security guard again.

"Hey, dickless!" I snapped, my voice muffled by the mask. "Remember me?"

The security guard turned at my voice and jumped. He immediately grabbed his pepper spray and shot it right at my face. But, as I knew it would, nothing happened. I breathed happily as I reached behind me and took out my wand.

"What the fuck?! Oh NO!"

"I'm gonna fuck you up, dude!"

The guard took a step back, holding his hands up in defense. Butters and I ran forward into our own battle positions.

"The Hammer of Justice shall strike the Nail of Evil into the Board of Being Sorry!"

Wanting to get a head start on his health, I decided to start with Dragon's Breath. I lit a candle and advanced on him, hitting him with everything the candle had. This uniform caught fire as he leapt around and I stepped back. Butters ran forward, raising his hammer and giving the guard a good smack in the gut. His health was down halfway, but not enough.

The guard straightened up as he produced a long, black baton from his belt. He instantly ran towards me and I blocked all three of his swings. Lucky. I really didn't want to feel the end of that stick on my head. I quickly ran forward gave him a good three whacks to his torso, and he started to kneel down to the ground. All it took then was one hard swing from Butters to finally bring him down.

"Move… along…!"

"Oh boy! Oh boy!"

"Nice!"

I walked forward towards the guard, removing my mask as I glared at him. Then, I saw him slowly reach for his baton, but I quickly snatched it.

"I don't think so," I looped the baton into my belt. "C'mon, Butters."

Butters and I finally went through the gate and down the stone pathway towards the house. It was by far the biggest house I had seen in the whole town. It was at least two stories and was held by many marble columns.

"I'm guessing their pretty well off?"

"Yeah. A bit."

I scoffed as we both walked up to the front of the house. I straightened up my robes before swiftly knocking on the door. A few more moments it opened, and the little black boy who I knew was Token appeared in normal clothing.

"Yeah?"

"Hey, my name is Ash," I introduced myself, holding out my hand. "I'm the new kid that just moved into town."

"Oh, pleasure to meet you," he responded, shaking my hand. "Can I help you?"

"Oh! Yeah… ahem," I cleared my throat as I pulled out the note Cartman had given me earlier. "I come with an urgent message from the Grand Wizard."

"Cartman got you playing already, huh?" Token took the note and began reading it. "What's this… Oh, the elves took the Stick again? Hang on a second."

Token disappeared behind the door for a moment. I stared at Butters, who just smiled. A second later Token reappeared, now dressed in the red and purple robes I had seen in his picture. He handed back my note.

"Thank you for thy message, traveler! I shall make haste to Kupa Keep!" he announced formally, then hollered behind him. "Mom! Can you drive me to Eric's house?"

And he shut the door in our faces.

"You're welcome…?" I turned to Butters. "He seems nice."

"Oh yeah. Token is one of the nicest guys, he's just a bit shy," Butter's seemed to puff out his chest. "Now, Mage, we must make hast to the other warriors! Come, to Tweek's we go!"

* * *

We just passed the movie theater when I looked up at the movie poster on the wall. 'Asses of Fire 2' was apparently playing all day today.

"Wowie. Asses of Fire 2 looks so awesome! Too bad we can't see it," said Butters, who was also looking at the poster. "My folks won't even let me watch the trailer."

"Why can't you see it?"

"Well, it's for adults only, yah see?" he said, pointing at the poster. "I'll never get in on my own, and Mom and Dad would never let me see it. Not after what happened last time…"

I rolled my eyes. "Dude, that's ridiculous. Tell yah what, I was gonna have my parents take me to see it before we moved but we couldn't. Now that we're here my dad will take me to see it. Wanna come with me?"

"Wha- r-really? You'd take me?! Oh, that's just amazin', Ash!" Butters ran forward and hugged me tightly, but quickly let go. "Wait… you saw the first movie, didn't yah?"

"Hell yeah I did!" I said proudly, puffing my chest out. "My dad brought me to see it after I won my first baseball game. It was hilarious. I know all the songs by heart."

"Wow!" Butters looked around and saw that no one except the ticket boy was around. He smiled and suddenly started singing. " _Shut your fucking face, uncle fucker! You're a cock sucking, ass licking uncle fucker! You're an uncle fucker, yes it's true! Nobody fucks uncles quite like you!"_

I grinned and sang as well. " _Shut your fucking face, uncle fucker. You're the one who fucked your uncle, uncle fucker. You don't eat or sleep or mow the lawn, you just fuck your uncle all day long._ "

Butters and I laughed loudly with each other. I heard the ticket boy grumble angrily under his breath as he gave us a very dirty look. We started walking down the sidewalk again, continuing to sing.

" _Shut your fucking face, uncle fucker! You're a boner biting bastard, uncle fucker! You're an uncle fucker, I must say. We fucked your uncle yesterday? Uncle fucker, that's U-N-C-L-E. Fuck you, uncle fucker, get out. Suck my balls!_ "

By the time we had finished singing and laughing Butters had already stopped moving, and so did I. I looked up to see a plain little shop in front of me, the words 'Tweak Bros. Coffee' written on the front.

"This is where Tweak and his family live," said Butters. "They have a really good business going on with their coffee. No one knows what's in it, but they love it."

I nodded before opening the door. I heard a little bell ring out as I walked inside. There was soft guitar music playing through the speakers in the shop, which was surprisingly filled with people sitting and enjoying their coffee. The interior was very green and beige based and had a very calm look and feel to it. The only thing that would make this even more relaxing is if I had a cup of coffee, which is probably what these people were going for. Up at the counter, there was a man with brown hair standing by the register.

"Welcome to Tweek Coffee," he spoke in a warm, soft voice. "Coffee made with ingredients supplied by local organic suppliers. It's local coffee. Brewed locally."

For some reason, the way he spoke about his beloved coffee really made me want to buy some. I shook my head. Now was not the time for coffee.

"Say… I haven't seen you before. You must be that New Kid that just moved in."

I gulped. "Um… hi, I'm Ash. Butters and I were wondering if Tweek was anywhere around?"

"Oh, yes. He should be in the back," he turned his head towards the other end of the store. "Tweek? Tweeeek!"

At that moment, a strangled cry erupted from the back door behind the coffee counter.

"Have you picked up the fresh local ingredients?"

"AAHGHGH NOT YET, DAD! I'M STILL TRYING TO DO ALL MY CHORES!"

"Well hurry up, son. The family business is relying on you!"

"AHGHGHGH!"

"I'm sorry, but Tweek is very busy right now," said Mr. Tweak. "Maybe he can play once he's all finished."

"Would it be okay if we helped him out a bit?" I offered. I had to get Tweek out and back to the kingdom as soon as possible.

"Hmm. I suppose so. Just go through the back door."

I nodded. I walked through the shop towards the back where I saw a brown door with a sign that said 'Employees Only'. I shrugged and walked in anyway, Butters still right on my tail. This room was much darker and dirtier than the whole shop. It was filled with different kinds of boxes, cleaning supplies, and other stuff that didn't make much sense. One of those things was a little boy with spiked up blonde hair, sweeping the floor and twitching maddeningly.

"Um, hey. Are you Tweek?"

The boy jumped, nearly dropping his broom. It was then that I noticed that he was continually shaking in his shoes.

"Agh! Wh-wha- who are you? What're you d-doing back here?!"

"Hey, it's okay," I soothed. "My name's Ash. I just moved into town."

Tweek's shaking seemed to cease slightly.

"Oh! Y-you? Um… h-hi, I guess? Argh!"

Butter's nudged my arms. "Ash, the note."

"Oh, right," I took a deep breath and took out Cartman's note. "I have brought you a message from the Grand Wizard."

"Wh-what?" Tweek took the note and read it. "AHGHGH! NOW?! The guys need me now? Oh, there's no way, man! I have WAY too much to do! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ALL THIS?!"

Tweek started twitching violently as he grabbed me by the collar in panic. He started hyperventilating and I quickly grabbed his arms.

"Dude, calm down, it's fine," I told him. "Look, the Wizard King needs your help, we need you if we want to get the Stick back. Butters and I are more than willing to help you get there faster. Now, what do you need us to do?"

Tweek took several deep breaths as he let go of me, his twitching slowing down to a minimum. He looked around the room, as if trying to see what we can do.

"Agh… um… Hey, I got it!" he piped up. "Could you go get the four o'clock delivery for me?! If you do I can finish here and then- and then I'll still have time to play! PLEASE! Would you?!"

"Can do," I said, smiling. "Where do we go to get it?"

"It's at Kenny's house- like always! Y-you give them THIS-" Tweek handed me a small white envelope that was very thick. "They'll give you the delivery!"

I nodded. "Got it. We'll get the stuff, no problem."

* * *

"We just have to cross the train tracks."

I stared, slack jawed in awe at the sight before me. I don't know what I expected Kenny's home to look like, but this definitely wasn't it. It was a complete disaster of a house that sat on the edge of the town on basically a huge mound of dirt and snow. Broken glass and beer bottles were literally everywhere I could see. The house itself was an ugly, moldy green, and it appeared to be covered in actual mold as well. Several windows were cracked and bits of the roof were missing. I could just barley hear a static TV running from inside.

"Kenny doesn't really live here, does he- does she?"

"Well yeah, his family has always been here."

I shook my head. "Okay… let's just get the package so we can go."

I marched up to the molding front door and knocked. A couple seconds later I heard the stomping of feet before the door opened. A tall woman with bright red hair and a green 'I'm with Stupid' shirt stepped out. She looked very dirty and thin, but upon looking at her bright blue eyes I guessed that she had to be Kenny's mom.

"What?" she said in a scratchy voice.

"Um… we're here to pick up a package?" I said politely, holding up the envelope.

"Oh, this isn't for me," she said. "This is for the nice people who are renting the guest house out the back."

"Okay, can we go give it to them, then?"

"Sure, here's the garage key. Just don't cause any trouble."

She handed me a small, rusty key before turning and shutting the door.

"She seems… okay," I said as Butters and I walked over to the garage.

"Oh, they're nice enough," said Butters. "They just have troubles."

We walked through the door of the garage and saw another door in the back. I used the key to unlock it and stepped through. It felt like I had stepped into an episode of one of my dad's cop shows. Test tubes and chemicals everywhere, a putrid smell wafting into my nose, it was disgusting.

"Uh, these witch doctors must be cooking up a secret potion," said Butters "I wonder if it's a healing potion…"

I gave Butters an unbelievable look. I mean, really? Was he really that innocent? As I looked back into the room I saw there were only three people, two guys and a woman, all dirty and dressed poorly. They had all been looking up at me since I entered the room. I froze.

"Uh… are you the suppliers for Tweek Coffee?" I asked.

"Yeah, yeah," said the first one. "We got the package for 'em. You got the envelope?"

I scrabbled in my robes for a moment before taking out the envelope and holding it out to him. He took it and seemed to feel the envelope with his fingers. Then he squinted hard at me.

"Hey… that's not the usual kid that picks up the package."

The second guy popped up. "Huh? Oh shit, IT'S A COP!"

"What? No-!"

But the second guy had already taken a swing at me, which I dodged before smacking him with my wand. Immediately the other man and the woman stepped up, raising their fists. Looks like I wasn't getting out of this fight.

"I don't LIKE being pushed around!" Butters yelled.

I decided I wanted to put that security guard's baton to work and I took it out. I targeted the first meth head and gave him two good power attacks, which brought his health down pretty low. Butters brought out his hammer and advanced onto the same guy, giving him a good whack at the knees. This brought his health down very low. The looked furious as he took out a broken beer bottle and advanced on Butters. The meth head hit Butter's across the face, giving him a noticeable bruise, and his health was brought down to halfway. I glared at the drug dealers. Now I was pissed.

The second guy came up and tried to whack me with his plunger, but I blocked it and quickly knocked him back. The woman snarled as she threw a beer bottle at Butters, who was able to dodge it. Once it was my turn I didn't hesitate to give the first guy a good, hard hit with the baton. He was out cold in an instant, and I felt immediate satisfaction.

Butters took out what looked like a sugar packet and tore it open. He ate it and his health was back to normal. He advanced onto the second guy with his hammer and hit him right in his stomach. After getting back to his feet, the guy came at me with a broken bottle and smacked me across the face with it. I felt a sting on my nose as it was cut, but no severely. The woman ran at Butters and started Curb Stomping him over and over again. He blocked most of the kicks, but came out with a few more bruises.

I quickly ate a bag of Cheesy Poofs for some health before taking out my Dragon's Breath. I lit it up and ran at the second meth head, pelting him with sparks. He shouted something about 'police brutality' before he tripped and fell over. I smirked as I stepped back.

"By the Hammer of Butters!"

Butters ran forward and spun around several times, then let the hammer fly right into the woman's chest. It was an instant knockout, and she fell backwards just as her friends had.

"That's what you get for fucking with us," I said proudly. I turned away from them and mumbled. "Now, if I were meth-infused coffee, where would I be…?"

"Hey, is that it?"

I looked up at the shelf that Butters was pointing at and saw a large paper bag with Tweek's logo on it. Only thing is, it was too high for either of us to reach. I looked around the room and saw a ladder on the other said against the wall.

"Butters, help me move this."

Butters ran over to me and helped me pick up the ladder. It wasn't that heavy, but I wanted to be safe. We brought it over to the shelf and set it up against the wall. I climbed up, grabbed the bag and dropped it into Butters' arms.

"Got it!"

I slid down the ladder and landed on the floor. As I was dusting myself off Butters came over and put a hand on my shoulder.

"Oh gosh, your nose is bleeding."

"It's fine," I said, raising a hand to cover my nose. "It's just a scratch. I've had worse happen to me at my ball games."

Butters didn't appear to be listening. He was rummaging around in his pouch for something. A second later he pulled out what looked like a tiny, dot-shaped band aid. I stared as he walked forward and pressed it gently to my nose.

"There. Now it won't get infected."

I grinned. "Thanks. Alright, let's get back to the coffee shop."

It took us half an hour to make it back to the shop. We ended up passing a huge group of elves on our way there. We were able to take them out eventually, but we still ended up getting even more bruised up than we already were. Still, it felt good louting those bastards for some more money and supplies.

"Jesus, you guys take this game kinda seriously, huh?" I said as I handed Butters a box of cookies.

"Well, it's more than a game for us," Butters' health increased as he ate his cookies. "We take pride in all that we do, no matter how small it is. It's the only thing we have that's ours only, yah know? So we gotta give it our all."

I nodded. I felt like they took this game a little too seriously, but I understood. I mean, bruises or no bruises I was having more fun than I ever thought I would. And it didn't seem like there was much else to do around here, so I could understand why they would keep at it so much.

Once we arrived at the coffee shop we immediately went straight for the back door. Tweek was still in there, sitting on a stool while drinking some coffee. The place was still cluttered, but it seemed to be much cleaner than before. When we entered the room Tweek snapped his head up at us, then jumped out of his seat.

"You did it!" he cheered as he ran over to me and grabbed the bag. "YOU GOT THE PICKUP! Oh thanks, man!"

"No problem."

"Dad! I finished my work, can I go play?" Tweek shouted.

"Where's today's delivery?"

"Right here!"

Mr. Tweak, who had been working on something in the back corner, walked out and came over to us. He took the bag and poked a finger inside to examine it. Then he tasted it, and I groaned in disgust.

"Hm… Yup, that's good shit," he said. "Alright, Tweek, you can play for a little bit. But, be home before dark or you'll be grounded. Grounded… like the fresh grinds of our all organic Tweek blend, made with ingredients from local tweekers."

"No kidding," I muttered.

"Thanks, Ash," Tweek said quickly. "I gotta go get changed and then I'll meet you at the kingdom!"

Before I could say bye or anything, Tweek ran out of the room and left. Right as he did I felt my phone buzz. I had gained another follower.

* * *

"So, what's this Craig kid like?"

"Oh, he's alright. But he does have a bit of an attitude, and it gets him into trouble sometimes."

I nodded. I knew kids like that in New York, more than I cared to admit. Once we reached the tall blue house I marched up and knocked on the door. So much had happened today that I was prepared for just about anything that came my way this time. The door opened, and a plump man with ginger hair opened the door.

"Hey sir, is Craig here? We were wondering if he could come out and play?" I asked.

"You're lookin' for Craig? Well, he can't play, he's in detention. Something about flippin' off the principal."

And with that, he shut the door in my face. I stood there and stared for several seconds before turning to look at Butters.

"Sometimes, huh?"

He shrugged. _Well, shit_.


	3. Jailhouse Rock

**I hope you guys are enjoying this story. Please leave a review if you do, it really gives me the motivation to write more and better. Plus, it's always nice to see other peoples opinions, good or bad. :)**

* * *

Ch. 3  
Jailhouse Rock

Butters and I made our way back to Kupa Keep as fast as we could. There were no fast travel flags anywhere, so we had to run. By the time we got there, everyone else was already assembled. Token and Tweek had already arrived, both dressed appropriately now.

"Where have you guys been?" Token asked.

Before I could respond, Cartman stepped out from inside his tent.

"SOLDIERS REPORTING FOR DUTY, GRAND WIZARD!" Butters declared.

"Nice work, Ash," said Cartman. "Now all my men are here and ready to fight for the- wait a minute… where is Feldspar? Where's my level twelve thief?"

I took a deep breath. "My king, I bring terrible news. Your warrior, Craig, has been sentenced to jail today."

"What?!"

"He's in detention," said Token.

"H-he flipped off the principal," added Tweek. "So he's in detention again."

"Oh my God…" Cartman sighed. "If they've locked away our thief in detention we have no hope of getting back the Stick of Truth. We have to break him out!"

"Agh! No way, man!" Tweek cried out. "Last time we broke Craig out of detention we ALL got in trouble!"

"Getting into trouble is a risk that Ash is willing to take!"

I blinked. "Excuse me?! Dude, I just moved here, like, two days ago. I can't get into trouble already!"

"You have to break out our thief, Ash. It's the only way," said Cartman. "But, don't worry. I will not let you go unprepared. I am going to teach you how to use magic. Meet me at the training barracks. It's time for you to learn 'Dragonshout.'"

Before I could question him anymore, he turned and walked off. I turned to look at Butters, who shrugged. I sighed before following Cartman. He lead me to an open area where there were several straw dummies with targets on them.

"You fight well, Ash. But to truly succeed in combat you must learn to harness the power… of your farts."

I spluttered. "What?"

"Farting on an opponent at precisely the right time is key to battle, Ash."

"Dude, that's kinda gross."

Cartman huffed. "C'mon Ash, stop being such a girl."

I glared at him. "Hey, what's your beef with girls?"

"You're kidding, right? A: they could have cooties. B: they don't know how to have fun. Everything is all sunshine and rainbows with girls. They don't know how to play rough like us, Ash. And C: Girls freak out over the tiniest things, like when they get dirt on their shoe, and I don't have time for that," Cartman frowned. "What's got you bothered about girls, anyway?"

I was really tempted to give him hell for what he just said. I play rough and get dirty all the time and I don't care, and I most certainly do not have any cooties. But, I was having so much fun, and I liked playing with all the other guys. If they found out that I was girl, they might kick me out. I know I'll have to come clean eventually, but not today.

"No reason, Grand Wizard," I said. "Let's just continue."

"Good. I shall show you how it's done, but FIRST, you must take the Gentlemen's Oath."

"What's that?"

"You must promise to NEVER, EVER fart on anyone's balls. Okay? Farting on an opponent is necessary, but farting on someone's balls is NOT cool."

I had to bite my lip to contain my giggles. What nonsense. Yet, also understandable. If I had balls, I definitely wouldn't want someone farting on them.

"This is no laughing matter, Ash!"

"S-sorry," I stuttered, still trying to contain myself. "I understand. I swear to never fart on anyone's balls."

"All right. Then, let's begin your training," Cartman walked up to the nearest dummy. "To conjure Dragonshout, you must first clear your mind and take a deep breath… through your butthole. Like so…"

Cartman stood stalk still for a moment before I heard him inhale through his ass. His face scrunched up- from discomfort or concentration, I could not tell.

"Then… let it rumble inside you… and… DRAGONSHOUT!"

He turned his ass towards the dummy and let out a huge, loud fart. The force of the fart hit the dummy and made it wobble for several seconds. I stared in awe. As gross as it was, it was also kind of cool.

"Now you," he said. "Ready? Dragonshout!"

I walked up to the same dummy and turned my ass towards it. _This is so dumb…_ I clenched my hands into fists as I started to inhale through my butt.

"Find the frequency!"

As I continued to inhale I felt it start to rumble deep inside me to the point where I felt like it might explode. I wasn't sure how much longer I could hold it. Then I bent over and let it rip. The dummy flew backwards and wobbled violently, much more so than when Cartman did it before.

"Did I do it right?"

Cartman didn't answer immediately. He stared from me to the dummy, then back to me again.

"My god, that was… incredible. A man could live a hundred years and never again witness a spell so… boisterous," he turned his head, speaking more to himself than to me. "Could it be that the prophecies are true? Could it be that the Dragonborn has come at last in our hour of need?"

I raised an eyebrow. "What're you talking about?"

Cartman shook his head. "Nevermind that now. We must try your skill on a REAL opponent. Hey! Hey, Princess Kenny," he started giggling. "Tehe… could you come here a sec? Hehe, shh! Don't tell him."

"Dude, no-"

"Just real quick, Princess Kenny. Sir Ash wants to show you something."

Princess Kenny quickly walked over and stood in front of me. She quickly got into a defensive stance, but it wasn't going to help for what I had up my sleeve.

"All right, you two- SPAR!" Cartman ordered. "Sir Ash, show Princess Kenny the magical powers I have taught you."

I glared at Cartman before walking closer to Kenny. I got into a stance and began inhaling. I felt it fill and rumble inside me, overpowering before I quickly bent over and farted on Princess Kenny. She took several steps back as she cried out, waving her hands in front of her face. Cartman nearly fell over as he burst into laughter.

"HA! HA HA HA HAAAA! THAT WAS FUCKING HILARIOUS! HA HA AHAHAHA! DUDE THAT WAS FUCKING AWESOME!"

Princess Kenny straightened up and glared daggers at Cartman, then turned to me. I stuffed my hands into my pockets as I shamefully apologized to her. She sighed and patted my shoulder.

"Hmhm mffhmmm mmhm."

"Really? All the time?"

"Mhm, mmfhm."

"We're cool? Are you sure?"

Princess Kenny nodded. We both turned to look at Cartman and saw that he was still laughing. After a few more seconds, he slowly started to calm down.

"O-okay, good job, Ash. That was sweet," he said. "Thanks, Princess Kenny. That's all for now."

I heard Kenny mumble several curse words as she stomped away, her blonde hair bouncing as she walked. Cartman walked over to me as he attempted to clear his throat properly.

"Okay, but dude, seriously remember, don't EVER do that on someone's balls. Okay, seriously."

"Okay, I get it!"

"Right. You have mastered Dragonshout, from now on it will be easier for you," he explained. "Kenny will now assist you on your quest, Ash. Now go get Craig while I rest and relax upon my throne."

Cartman walked away and retreated to his tent. I walked over to Butters, who seemed to be standing guard by the tent.

"So, what's waiting for me at the school, then?"

"Oh, quite a bit," he said. "That dungeon holds many secrets. For centuries, those halls went unmonitored, but then the evil Overlord Mackey rose an army of gingers to protect his precious after-school detention. Now, those minions lurk the halls, terrorizing and suspending the innocent."

I shivered.

"That's not even the worst of it. Legend says there is a sixth grade hall monitor who has a ZILLION freckles and a clipboard made of human bone. They say he has a freckle for each kid he's suspended."

"Now I know why the king is having me do this instead," I grumbled, then looked up at Butters hopefully. "You're not coming?"

"Nah. I gotta stay here and wait for my orders," he said, but he looked nervous as he did. "You and Kenny got this, I know you do. Just be careful."

Slightly disappointed, I nodded. I looked over at Princess Kenny, who now had a bright pink set of bow and arrow with her. She gave me a firm look, like she was ready to go. I smiled.

"Let's go, your highness."

* * *

The school was a little bigger than I imagined it would me, but not by much. It was a crude, yellow color that made it stand out against the snow. Kenny pointed over to a window at the front of the building and I walked over to it. I peeked my head up and then immediately brought it back down as I realized that it was full of kids and one weird-looking teacher.

"Craig… Craig, this is detention! Mkay, stop looking at your watch because you are here for THREE HOURS, BUDDY! Mkay!"

"Whatever."

I looked around the room until I finally spotted him. Craig was sitting in the middle row, surprisingly dressed in his robes and cape. Kenny whispered to me that the teacher inside was Mr. Mackey, and that he was the big, bad detention monitor.

"Don't think your friends are gonna come bust you out this time, Craig!"

"My name is Feldspar, I'm a level twelve thief and the humans will soon rescue me from this tower."

"No, your name is fuckin' CRAIG TUCKER and you're in DETENTION! Start doing your homework!" Mr. Mackey shouted. "Mkay, I've got all the doors SEALED and I've got hallway monitors working overtime- nobody is gonna save your ass today, Craig! Mkay?!"

"We'll see about that," I whispered.

I jumped down from the window and went towards the front door. Princess Kenny and I looked at each other seriously before opening the doors. It was very clean and very empty, save for one freckled, ginger boy in the corner. As the doors slammed shut he turned to face us. I could see a sash across his chest that read 'Hall Monitor'.

"Excuse me, but school is OUT and no students are allowed on the premises until tomorrow at 7:30 am."

I rolled my eyes as I walked forward towards him.

"Hey, how yah doin'?" I started. "Listen, I know I'm the New Kid and I might not know how things work around here, but I'm gonna be honest. We're a little pressed for time, so how about you be a sport and let us go on about our day? We'll be outta here before you know it."

The boy stared at me as I walked towards the only set of doors that didn't have a lock on them. The silence was broken as he started to speak again.

"Ah… I-I warn you! Stay away from the doors!" he stuttered. "One step towards them and I will be forced to write you up!"

I raised an eyebrow at him. "Why, though?"

"I am the hall monitor. It is my job and my duty to protect the school within my abilities."

"Oh boy, one of these guys…" I sighed, looking at Kenny. "We had them all the time in New York. I know how to deal with him if things get hairy."

She nodded.

"Hey dude, so, I'm gonna go through here and-"

"You are in breach of school law and must be punished!"

The ginger advanced on us, holding his tiny fists up. I took out my baton out as I sized the ginger up. Then I had an idea. I ran over to him and suddenly let out a huge fart that sent me up several feet. I raised my baton and brought it down on his head, knocking his health down to minimum. Kenny straightened her curls a bit before walking right up to the boy, and kissing his cheek. The poor ginger was so grossed out he vomited before falling onto the ground, defeated.

"Nice one, princess!" I said, giving her a high five.

"Officer down! I repeat, officer d- ah!"

I kicked his hand and knocked the walkie-talkie away from him. I glared daggers at him as I stepped on the walkie and proceeded to crush it under my shoe. He gasped before he went pale and fainted. I went over and louted him for all he had, getting a couple of dollars and some junk I could sell later.

"Let's go, your highness."

Princess Kenny followed me through the next set of doors into the next hallway. It was filled with rows upon rows of lockers and banners. There was also a tall barrier of chairs, accompanied by more ginger monitors.

"Intruder alert!"

"Initiate security protocol!"

I gripped my baton tightly as I looked around the hallway, trying to look for a way to take them out without getting into a fight. I spotted a small book that was on fire in front of me, and I got an idea. I ran forward, bent over and released a Dragonshout. The fire exploded and knocked the barrier down, taking the hall monitors down with it. Princess Kenny clapped and congratulated me as we walked through the mess.

As we rounded the corner Princess Kenny tugged on my robes and pointed forward. There was another set of double doors, the word 'Cafeteria' written above them.

"That's where he is?"

"Mhm!"

I ran forward and attempted to open the doors, but they were jammed.

"Dammit!"

"You're not gonna get through this door, mkay," I heard Mr. Mackey speak from the other side. "You might as well give up because I have hidden the key somewhere and you'll never find it in my office. Aw, dammit… mkay."

I snorted. "Well, we know where it is now. Let's go find it."

We left the cafeteria doors and went around another corner. But just as we did I held my hand out and pushed Princess Kenny back against the wall, hiding us behind a stack of chairs. There was another ginger monitor patrolling the hall. He hadn't spotted us yet. I raised a finger to my lips, telling her to remain quiet. The monitor continued to patrol, walking closer and closer towards us. I looked up at the stack of chairs in front of us and got an idea.

Once the monitor was close enough, I quickly pushed the chairs out away from me. They toppled and fell on top of him, knocking him out. I quickly louted him before running down the rest of the hallway. As we reached the end I heard struggles from another classroom.

"Search 'em!"

"No! Get away from me you freaks!"

I skidded to a halt and stared at the door. What were those gingers doing in there? Out of curiosity and bravery, I tried to open the door, but found that I couldn't. As I looked around for a way to open the door, I noticed that there was a metal makeshift gate cutting us off from the rest of the next hallway.

"Great. Now what?"

Princess Kenny patted my shoulder and told me not to worry. She pointed out a small ginger kid that seemed to be guarding the gate. Then Kenny got down on one knee a mumbled, "Your wish is my command, m'lord." I stood in shock for a moment before straightening up and pointing at the ginger.

"Do what you gotta do."

Princess Kenny stood up and walked over to the gate. She tapped her hand against it to get the kid's attention. Then, she gripped the front of her dress and pulled it down to reveal her chest. I slapped a hand over my mouth, laughing as Kenny giggled and shimmied to coax the kid into coming over.

"Ooooh, wow! Boobies…!"

The ginger quickly ran over and opened the gate. His jaw hung open as he reached his hands out to Kenny.

"Must have… must touch… boobies…!"

Before I could pass out from laughter, Kenny pulled out a beautiful hand mirror and slammed it against the ginger's head. He fell backwards, completely unconscious. I let out the rest of my giggles as I caught my breath again.

"That… was awesome, princess," I breathed.

She giggled. We rounded the corner and saw several more gingers were out, looking ready for a fight.

"Hey," I called out. "So, uh, you still wanna do this or do you wanna be a pal and hand over the key?"

"You can take the brass key from my cold, dead hands!"

"Alright, then."

I took out my bow and placed an arrow in it. I aimed for the tilted bulletin board, and fired. It fell down and knocked out two of the gingers, leaving only one left. I smirked before filling another arrow and firing it at him. He barely had time to recover from his hit to the head before Kenny stepped forward. She started to hum and sing loudly, and suddenly a huge crowd of rats appeared around her. I stared as she continued to sing and pointed at the ginger. Then, a huge wave of rats appeared and came crashing down, knocking him out.

"Dude!" I cheered.

I ran over to the barley squirming ginger and snatched the brass key from his shaking fingers.

"More officers down!" the ginger shouted into his walkie-talkie. "We're taking heavy casualties out here!"

" _Dammit, you hallway monitors need to stop playing around!"_

"He's got the brass key! He's some kind of dragonborn!"

I quickly ran up to the ginger and kicked him in the face, knocking him out completely this time. He dropped his walkie-talkie, which Mr. Mackey was still talking into.

" _Now look, this is detention time, not time to play Dungeons and Dragons! And besides, he's never gonna get inside here because to open the door, you need the gold key and the only way to get the gold key is by getting the silver key, mkay, which even if he HAS the brass key, he still hasn't made it past the boss level. Mkay…"_

Boss level? I suddenly remembered what Butters said about the hall monitor with a zillion freckles, and I felt a chill go up my spine.

"Aw, shit…"

"Mmmm mffm hmmf."

Princess Kenny pointed backwards to where we came from. It took a moment before I remembered the other door I tried to get in through. We both turned and ran back down the hallway and didn't stop until I reached the previous door. I could still hear the kid crying from inside as I quickly took out the key and unlocked the door.

"He's here! Guard the key!"

The office was built up with more barricades everywhere. In the far left corner I could see a pair of gingers standing next to a small, weeping child, who looked dirty and injured.

"You know," I spoke up. "I don't like it when narks bully people."

"You should be more worried about yourself, New Kid!" one of the gingers shouted.

I looked at the table and saw a lit cigarette in the ash tray, which was placed conveniently over a box of fireworks. I smirked before picking up the cigarette and dropping it into the box. Fireworks lit up instantly, and several of them went all over the room, knocking out one of the gingers in the back.

"He's crazy!"

"Forget the key! Protect the front lines!"

The box had now begun to smoke, which gave me an idea. I didn't hesitate to do Dragonshout and the first barrier exploded, knocking out the two gingers in front of me. Princess Kenny and I ran through the mess and smashed through the second barrier without problem. By the time we got to the other side, the last remaining ginger had grabbed the crying kid by his collar and was now holding a pair of scissors to his neck.

"I'll do it; I swear to God!"

I glared at him as I slow took out my bow and arrows again. The kid wept softly as I loaded an arrow in and aimed.

"Don't you dare-!"

I fired before he could finish. It didn't hit him.

"Ha! You missed!"

The arrow hit a tall stack of books that was sitting on the table behind him, just as I intended. The stack tipped and fell over, sending a pile of heavy books onto the ginger's head. He released the crying child as he fell over. I placed my bow back onto my shoulder as I walked over to the kid.

"Are you okay?" I asked softly, examining the cuts and bruises on his face.

"I-I am now," he stammered. "Thanks! I thought I was a goner! There were too many of them. They were too strong, their hair too red…"

"Shh, it's okay," I patted his shoulder the same way I had seen Butters do before. "You're safe now. What happened?"

"I heard that Mackey had taken several people prisoners for detention," he explained. "Innocent kids persecuted by the hall monitors. I tried to save them, but the gingers outsmarted me."

"You did good," I encouraged him. "Don't let anyone say otherwise. Look, do you know where a silver key is? If we find it, we can break those kids out."

"Oh, y-you mean this?" the kid reached into his pocket and pulled out a long silver key. "Maybe you can take this key and find the gold key. You can succeed where I have failed! Free Mackey's prisoners!"

I nodded. He straightened his hair as he quickly ran and left the office.

"We found the silver key," I stated. "Now, which office is Mackey's?"

"Hmf mmmfhm!"

"The counselor's office? Where's that?"

Princess Kenny grabbed my hand and quickly lead me out of the office. We ran down the hall together as fast as we could. She continued to hold my hand tightly until she skidded to a sudden halt. She pointed up at the door in front of us, which read 'Counselor'.

"Sweet," I muttered.

I took the silver key and used it to unlock the door. I opened it, and was relieved to see it was empty. I looked all around, trying to see where to look first when something sparkly caught my eye. I looked up and spotted the gold key laying on the top of the bookshelf.

"There it is!" I pointed at it. "How are we supposed to get it from up there?"

Kenny quickly took out one of her arrows and loaded it. She fired and hit the gold key knocking it off the shelf. I ran over and caught it in my hands before it could touch the ground.

"Nice. Let's go free those kids."

We burst out of the office and immediately ran back towards the cafeteria. As soon as I saw it I sprinted for the doors. I took out the key and started to jam it into the lock.

"That's far enough, intruder!"

I froze and turned. A ginger, taller than any I had seen before stood in front of me, with zillions of freckles and hair that was straight up orange. He was wearing what appeared to be armor, and a silver officer badge. I felt a lump form in my throat at the sight of him.

"Where's your hall pass?"

"I… I…"

"No hall pass? Then it's time to write you a referral."

From out of nowhere, he pulled out a staff with a bright red dodgeball tied loosely to it, almost like a mace.

"Oh yeah, that's the boss," Mr. Mackey hollered from the other side of the door. "Good luck fighting this boss, mkay. You still think this is a game, young man?"

 _Jesus, can't anybody in this town tell that I'm a girl?_

"Deadly force is authorized!" the Boss shouted into his walkie.

Two more smaller monitors came to his aid, though he didn't look like he'd need it. The Boss ran straight for me, and knocked me off of my feet with his dodgeball. I coughed as I got back on my feet. Princess Kenny yelled at me to use my Dust of Dreams to stun him. I nodded, quickly taking out the little bag. As the Boss advanced I grabbed a handful and threw it upwards into his eyes. He growled as I punched him in the gut. My punch didn't really do much, but he was too distracted from the dust to move at all.

Princess Kenny brought out her bow and arrows and lined it up at the first small ginger. She fired once, twice, three times into the air, and each one hit the ginger in the head. His health was barley full enough when it was his turn to fight. He brought his piece of wood up and gave a few pathetic swings, which I dodged. The second one started throwing baseballs at us. I moved and ducked my head to avoid them, but one of them came straight for my face. On instinct, I snapped my hand up and caught it. I smirked at the ginger that threw it, and he shivered. I tossed the baseball up in the air, and with my baton I swung and hit it. The ball went straight for the kids head and knocked him back several feet. It was an instant knockout.

"Oh my G-God!" the second ginger stuttered

While he was distracted, Kenny was able to reload her bow and fired three times into the air again. Each arrow hit the ginger hard in the head, knocking him out along with his friend. It was at this point that the Boss had finally straightened up. His eyes where bloodshot, and he looked pissed off.

"Assault! Lawbreaker!"

"I prefer the term 'rebel enthusiast'," I corrected him.

I brandished my baton and farted into the air, sending a few swings down on his head. Princess Kenny summoned her rats once more, sending a huge wave onto the Boss. It still wasn't enough.

"That's it! I'm notifying your parents!"

The Boss brought out his phone and started dialing. I gasped and in a panic I opened the bag of Dust and thrusted it upward. What appeared to be the entire contents of the bag came out and hit his face, sending him backwards. Princess Kenny acted quickly, and sent a single pink arrow out. It hit the Boss right between his eyes.

"I wasn't worthy of… the sash…"

He growled again, his eyes closing as he fell backwards. He had been defeated.

"Mmmhm fmmmhm!" Princess Kenny cheered.

I gave a loud "Whoohoo" as I went back over to the cafeteria doors. I inserted the key and turned it, finally unlocking the doors. I swung the doors open and I heard children gasping.

"Prisoners! You are free!"

Everyone except for Craig cheered as they jumped up and ran out the door. Before I could say anything to him he grabbed my wrist and Kenny's skirt and began dragging us away.

"DAMN YOU, CRAAAAAIG!"

Craig didn't stop running until we had reached the school's exit. The children burst through the doors along with us as we went down the steps. He released us both and straightened out his robes.

"Thanks for busting me out, kid," he said. "Who are you?"

"I am Ash, the Mage," I said, giving him a small bow. "I've just moved into South Park and was recruited pretty recently."

Craig bowed back. "Cool. Hey, what happened to your nose?"

"Huh?"

I touched my nose and felt weird material on my fingers. That when I remembered I still had the bandage that Butters had given me. I flushed and quickly took it off.

"Well, I'm heading to Kupa Keep. See you guys there."

He flipped his cape as he walked away, down the sidewalk. I felt my phone buzz. Another follower.

* * *

We were able to use the fast travel by the school to get back to Kuppa Keep within 10 minutes. The kingdom was buzzing and full of kids now. No sooner did I enter the back yard than I heard a voice cry my name.

"Ash! Ash!" Butters ran right up to me. "I heard you had to fight the Boss, are you okay?!"

"A little bruised," I told him. "But, I'll be okay. I found some pretty sweet snacks in the Boss' locker."

Butters sighed with relief. At that moment, Cartman stepped out of his tent and yelled for everyone to gather around him. Butters gestured for us to follow as he left to join the crowd.

"Gentlemen, thanks to Ash, our entire army has assembled," he began. "It is my belief, that he deserves to rank up in level. To honor his efforts, he will no longer be called "Ash." I hereby dub thee- SIR Ash! Congratulations!"

The kids around me all clapped and congratulated me, some clapping me on the back. I smiled at all of them, feeling my chest swell with pride. Butters smiled and clapped the hardest.

"Upon leveling up, Sir Ash, it is only appropriate to reward you with your newest weapon. I present to you… the Wand of Wizarding."

Cartman walked forward and produced a long, green wand with a blue handle. It looked much more impressive than the twig I had been using. I stared in amazement as I reached forward and grasped it. It felt much more powerful, and I stuffed it into my robes with a smile on my face.

"Now, it is time for us to take back that which is rightfully ours," Cartman hollered. "A carrier Raven has come with news that the Stick of Truth has not yet been taken to the Elven Forrest. It is in the possession of… the Bard."

Everyone gasped in shock.

"The Bard?!"

"Ah- Oh god! Not the Bard!"

"The Bard is a level 10 drow elf who can use music to enchant and destroy his enemies!" Butters whispered to me.

"Well, what are we waiting for?" I asked. "Let's go get it!"

"You are brave, Sir Ash, but you are not ready yet," said Cartman. "If you wish to continue your training, make haste to the training grounds!"

I nodded. I quickly followed him back towards the dummies.

"I'm going to teach you how to use a RANGED magic attack," he explained. "It's not easy, but being able to cup-a-spell from a distance can save your life in battle."

"Okay, what do I do?"

"Allow me to demonstrate."

Cartman reached behind and seemed to grab his butt for a moment. He farted, then swung his arm out and opened his hand. The fart went forward and hit the dummy in the head.

"You see how it works? Now you try, way back from where you're standing. Cup the magic, throw it at your opponent."

I bent over slightly as I reached my hand around to my butt. I began to inhale, I let it rumble then let it out. I cupped it into my hand and swung it at the dummy. The head moved so violently that I thought it was going to fall off.

"Yes, YES! But, now let us see how you fare against a REAL OPPONENT!"

"Oh, c'mon dude, not again-"

"Hey! Hey, Malkinson! Malkinson, could you come help us with something? Shh, shh! Don't tell him- this is gonna be sweet!"

Scott ran right up to Cartman. "Yes?"

"Oh hey, Scott. Could you um, spar with Ash real quick? He's gonna try out a new move."

"En garde!" Scott said as he stood in front of me.

"NOW, ASH! CUP A SPELL!"

I sighed. I quickly inhaled and farted into my hand, then tossed it out at Scott's head. He threw his head back and spat in disgust. Cartman started to roar with laughter.

"HAA! HA AHA AHAAA! Dude, that was sweet! You threw that shit RIGHT in Scott's face! Haha! All right, Scott, back to your post. Thank you. Hahaha…"

I sadly watched as Scott stomped away, looking much angrier than I had ever seen him. Cartman was still smiling as he walked over to me.

"Use it wisely in battle, Ash. And never on a man's balls."

He placed a hand on my shoulder and lead me back to the castle. I stayed with the guys while Cartman stood in the middle.

"If the carrier Ravens are correct, the Bard is hiding out at the Inn of the Giggling Donkey. We must find him before he's able to take the Stick back to the Elven Forest."

"Let us find the Bard and bring him to justice!" cried Butters, punching a fist in the air.

"MAKE HASTE TO THE GIGGLING DONKEY!"

With that, we all turned and ran out of the kingdom to find the Stick.


	4. Have a Drink on Me

Ch. 4  
Have a Drink on Me

I don't know why, but for some reason I expected to see an actual tavern of some sort. At the very least, a cheaply made booth behind the nearest bar. But, nope. It was just another kid's house in the neighborhood.

"There it is," whispered Cartman. "The Inn of the Giggling Donkey."

"It doesn't look like much," I stated.

"Oh, Sir Ash, so naïve," Cartman turned to Butters. "Paladin, are you sure the Bard is hiding out in there?"

"That's what Twitters says."

Cartman rolled his eyes. "CARRIER RAVEN, BUTTERS!"

"So-sorry! That's what the carrier raven says."

"Craig and Token, guard the back door. Butters, Kenny, Sir Ash… let's go inside."

Craig and Token walked away quickly to sneak around to the back of the house. Cartman lead us up to the front door and opened it. I heard classic jazz music pouring through the speakers, and the smell of cider and soda was heavy in the air. There were several people in there, all dressed differently, but none of them appeared to have any elf ears. That was a good sign.

"This doesn't seem so bad," I whispered to Butters.

"You haven't seen nothin' yet."

"He's right, Sir Ash," Cartman muttered. "The Inn of the Giggling Donkey harbors the scum of all Zaron. Stay close…"

I gulped and kept a firm grip on my new wand. Cartman lead us up to the bar, where there was only one lowly bartender working the counter. Cartman leaned against the counter, pointing to the selection.

"A glass of Meedlewine, please."

"No Meedlewine today, only Fairy Ale."

"A pint of Fairy Ale, then."

The bartender nodded, and began rummaging around the bar. I realized how thirsty I actually was and walked up.

"Make it two," I said. "It's on me."

"Sure thing."

The bartender brought up two red solo cups and filled them with what looked like green vitamin water. Cartman grinned at me.

"How kind of you, Sir Ash," he picked up his cup and raised it. "Cheers."

I grabbed mine and brought it up against his. This wasn't just a gesture made out of the goodness of my heart. I was trying to get on Cartman's good side. If I could do that, maybe he won't be so mad once he finds out I'm a girl. I mean, I don't plan on telling them just yet, but they're bound to find out eventually. Cartman and I sipped on our ale as he turned back to the bartender.

"So… has, uh… anyone seen the Bard lately?"

It was like somebody flipped a switch. The music suddenly cut off, the chatter ceased, and everyone inside was staring at us. Well, more like glaring at us. I kept my head down as I continued to drink my ale. Cartman shrugged.

"A cup of Fairy Ale isn't much if not accompanied by some bardic poems and songs," he justified.

Everyone continued to glare at him, not saying a word. I gulped down the rest of my ale, growing more and more nervous. The bartender broke the silence.

"Sure, he's here alright. He's got a room down in the cellar."

"Ah, and I shall pay handsomely for his services," Cartman finished up his ale and tossed his cup on the ground. "Sir Ash…"

I threw some change on the counter for the ale and quickly followed Cartman away from the bar. Butters and Princess Kenny followed close behind me. He lead us all the way to the back to a door that must lead to the cellar.

"Butters, Ash, go down and flush him out," he whispered. "Princess Kenny and I will be waiting here to murder him. Remember, the Bard can use songs to enchant. Don't let him get to you."

I nodded. He opened the door, and Butters and I walked through. It was dark. Very dark. I could see some supplies, food and more drink all around the room.

"Do you see him?" I whispered to Butters.

"Not yet."

We tiptoed as quietly as we could, searching around for any sign of anyone down here. Just as I was about to give up and call out to Cartman, there was the subtle strum of a small lute. It filled my ears and rang loudly in my head. I felt a chill throughout my body and I could see Butters was shaking. Then, from out of the shadows stepped out a small figure. It was a boy dressed in a green cloak and wearing a hat made of newspaper. He had a lute strapped to his chest and was walking around on what was obviously crutches.

"Oh Jesus! It's the Bard!"

"Prepare for battle, w-w-w-weaklings!" the Bard stuttered. "Elves, fall in!"

At that moment, several more figures appeared out of the shadows. Elves. They surrounded us, trapping us in a circle.

"AAASH! IT'S A TRAAAP!"

I turned my head in time to see Cartman being dragged away before the door was slammed shut.

"You should have never come here, h-humans. I am a level 10 bard, and with my lute I shall power up my elven guards with magical songs of ench- with magical songs of encha- With magical songs of encha-chaaaaa… Mag-magical songs of enchame-me-me…"

"Oh boy," I muttered.

"With magical songs of encha-chaaaa… Mag-magical songs of enchame-me-me… Magical songs of enchantment."

I brought out my newest wand and held it up, ready for whoever wanted to come for me first. Butters brought out his hammer, looking ready for a fight. The Bard walked off to the other side of the room and stood on top of a cardboard box. He tuned his lute a bit, and then broke into song.

" _There once was a maiden from Stonebury Hallow… She didn't talk much, but boy did she swallow…"_

Wow, that was actually pretty good. Unfortunately, the song seemed to have given the elves an advantage, so I had no time to appreciate it.

"Keep on your toes, Ash!" Butters warned.

I looked at the three elves in front of us. The two in the back were archers, and the one in the front was a swordsman. I decided to go for him first. I took out my Dust of Dreams and threw it in his face, along with my fist. He was stunned and fell to the ground.

"So, apparently the plague is going around," said the Bard. "Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? Yeah, I hear it's spread by rats and the Wizard King's m-m-mom."

I snorted and covered my mouth to hide my laughter. This kid was good. Butters then ran up, holding his hammer tightly.

"Feel my righteous fury!"

Butters held his hammer up to the air and waited for a moment. For some reason, I thought I heard thunder. Then, what appeared to be lightening appeared from above and hit Butters' hammer. He aimed, and the lightening hit the stunned elf. I stood there and stared in awe. That was new!

"Asshole!"

One of the archers loaded his bow and fired two shots at Butters, one of which he was able to block. The other archer did the same thing, firing this time at me. I was able to block the first one and dodge the second.

" _I have a nice lance that she sat upon… The maiden from Stonebury who was also your mom…"_

This kid was really good. Before any of the elves could do anything I ran up and gave three, good power attacks to the stunned one's head, and it knocked him out completely. Butters quickly ran forward and gave one of the archers a good smack with his hammer. The archer loaded his arrow and fired both of his shots at Butters. He blocked them, but still managed to get a few scratches on his face. The other archer loaded up and fired at Butters as well, but Butters was able to block both without trouble. He was looking much weaker now.

"Take a health potion!" I told him.

The Bard sang his song again, and it brought up the elves health. I groaned angrily as I ran forward to stand in front of the first archer. I quickly bent over and used Dragonshout on him. He groaned and threw up. Not only was he stunned, but his health had gone down more than halfway.

Butters finished his last cookie, looking much better now, before running forward at the same elf. All it took was one good hit to the head, and the second elf was down. All that was left was the third archer. The Bard sang once more, bringing up his defense.

"He can't fight both of us," I said to Butters.

The elf looked nervous as he loaded his arrow once more. He was so nervous that one of the arrows he had aimed at Butters didn't even come close to him. I smirked as I quickly hit him with Dust of Dreams and he was stunned. Butters brought his hammer up and smacked it across the kid's face, knocking him down.

"Whoppie!" he cried.

"Wow… w-what a butt kicking…"

I turned to see the Bard had left his spot on the box and was running up the stairs. He opened the door, and several more elves appeared in the doorway.

"Get down there and finish them off! I will protect the S-Stick of Truth."

I quickly louted the three down elves for everything they had, getting some more money and supplies. I stood up and saw and elf waiting for us at the end of the room. I looked around for an escape route, and saw that there was a lit oil lamp sitting next to a small propane tank. Time to put my new magic ability to work. I quickly inhaled and farted into my hand to cup-a-spell. I tossed it up at the lamp, and it lit up, causing the tank to explode and knock out the elf. I smiled, but it quickly faded as I realized that there were still three more elves inside with us.

"Hey, Sir Ash! Up here!"

I turned my head to look up at the small window of the cellar. It was Craig. I quickly took out my bow and loaded an arrow into it, aiming at the window. I fired and it hit, knocking it open.

"I'll handle this," said Craig.

He stepped onto the shelf below him and walked towards the other end. He knocked down an oil lamp which caught fire as it hit the ground. He started to mess around with the wires of the fuse box, but was suddenly electrocuted. He cried out as he fell over and hit the ground hard.

"Ow! My ankle! I think it might be broken."

"Maybe I should take a look at it," said Butters.

I quickly knocked down the boxes that were in our way and we ran over to Craig. The other elves started to advance on us, but I quickly used cup-a-spell on the broken oil lamp, and they all lit up and fell over. Butters walked over to Craig and patted his back gently.

"There, there, buddy. You're gonna be okay."

"Thank you, noble paladin. My wound is healed."

"We have to get upstairs," I said. "Craig, can you get the door open?"

"Nothing a level twelve thief can't take care of!"

Craig ran up to the door and began to pick at the lock. A few seconds later it clicked, and the door opened.

"C'mon, let's get outta here!"

We all ran out back into the living room.

"FOR THE ELF KING!"

I looked up to see an elf run into the kitchen. A second later, I heard a scream.

"Quit it! AHGHGH! Someone help!"

"Come on, the Wizard's in the kitchen!" cried Butters. "We gotta help him!"

I followed him as he ran into the kitchen. Three elves were inside, surrounding a large mass that was laying on the floor.

"I don't fucking think so!"

I ran up and smacked an elf across the arm with my wand. He backed up and the other two elves came forward to his aid. They all had weapons and shields, and looked much more prepared.

"Surrender," ordered Butters. "Or- or- or bad stuff will happen."

Time to give my new wand a test drive. I went for the kid armed with a long garden hoe. I jumped up, spun around and gave a huge power attack to his torso, knocking his health down to halfway. Butters ran forward to the same elf, giving a huge power attack with his hammer. It wasn't enough, and the elf ran forward and gave three swipes of his hoe at Butters. The archer elf fired twice, aiming one at Butters and one at me, both of which we blocked. The one with the pizza box shield ran forward with his club and was able to hit Butters across the face, giving him a good cut on his cheek.

"K-keep tryin'!" he snapped back.

I glared angrily at all of the elves before advancing on the first one again. I gave him a hard hit with my wand, and he finally went down. I watched as Butters took out a little snack cake and ate it, bringing up his health once more. One finished, he brought his hammer up and went for the shielded elf. He was able to break his shield, but not bring down his health. The archer reloaded and fired a total of four shots at Butters. I froze for a moment before relaxing as Butters was able to block all four of them.

"I'm rubber, you're glue!"

The previously armored elf seemed to do something to his club before running up to me. I was able to block his attack, but something happened as he hit. My whole body suddenly became cold and my movements had slowed. I clutched myself as I shivered in my boots.

"You're slowing down," Butters called out. "Here, have a cure potion!"

I reached up and grabbed the small water bottle that Butters tossed over to me. I didn't hesitate to drink it down. Immediately, the frozen feeling went away and I started moving normally. Deciding this guy needed a break, I ran up to him with my Dust of Dreams. I tossed it in his face and punched him right in his nose. He fell to the ground, groaning as his hands came up to his face.

"By the Hammer of Butters!"

Butters spun around and threw his hammer at the elf, bringing his health down tremendously. The archer quickly loaded his arrow and aimed at Butters, who blocked them both. It was my turn again, and I decided to use some more of my own magic. I took out one of my Roman candles and lit it up. I brought it to the stunned elf, and it lit his hat on fire instantly. It slowly burned at him before he fell over and passed out. Butters ran forward to the archer and gave him a good whack with his hammer. The archer, looking much weaker now, loaded his arrows and fired both of them at me. I was able to block one, but the other got me in the arm. I ran over to him and gave him a big power attack to the face, knocking his health down real low. Butters quickly backed me up, and smashed the kids head in with his hammer.

"Another victory for the good guys!"

I patted Butters on the back as I walked around and louted the elves for everything that they had. One of them had two things that I hadn't seen before. A cup of coffee labeled as a speed potion, and a taco labeled as a revive potion. Shrugging, I pocketed both items, deciding to ask about them later.

"Your word is the command, Sir Ash," Butters said as he kneeled. "Shall I heal the king, Ash? Or maybe let him suffer just a little bit more?"

I snickered. "Nah, we got shit to do. Go ahead and heal him."

Butters nodded and walked over to Cartman, who was still laying "lifeless" on the ground. He helped him sit up, and suddenly he was awake again, coughing up what appeared to be blood.

"His powers were too strong- the Bard. He's up in one of the rooms…"

Cartman took out a ketchup packet and tore it open, squeezing the contents into his mouth. Then he dropped the packet and coughed up what he just swallowed. I rolled my eyes. This kid should really go into theater.

"They took Princess Kenny! They took her upstairs… I'm sure they're going to rape her. Don't let them rape Princess Kenny! Mehhh…"

Butters gently set Cartman back down onto the floor. I patted his shoulder.

"C'mon, we have to save the princess."

He nodded. He followed me back into the living room. I could see the Bard running up the stairs.

"The Wizard King is done for!" he cried out. "Take out the New Kid while I got upstairs to make contact with the Elf King!"

I looked out into the living room. Where there had once been a bar and tavern, there was now upturned tables and stools, laying across to make a barricade.

"You're not getting past us, fucker!"

"We should give this inn a really mean online review after we're done killing everybody," said Butters.

There were a lot of elves down here. I looked around the room and saw that the lamp above was swinging slightly. I took out my arrow and aimed it at the lamp. I fired and it hit, hitting a single elf on its way down.

"Over here, Ash!"

Butters pointed to the small, lit candle in front of the wooden planks filled with nails. I nodded. I bent over and Dragonshouted at the fire, lighting up the planks and knocking them away. Butters and I walked around the barricades, only to find that the whole area was completely blocked. Now what?

Suddenly, I could hear a voice coming from outside.

"Hello?! HEY, OPEN THE DOOR!"

I looked up at the window and saw Tweak and Token jumping up and down from outside.

"LET US IN! WE CAN HELP!"

"Use your magic on the front door, Ash!"

I nodded. I looked around and saw a lit lamp next to the door. I picked up a sharp nail off of the ground and threw it, hitting and breaking the glass. I inhaled through my ass and farted into my hand, raising it up and throwing it out. It hit and exploded, blowing a huge hole into the door. Tweak and Token both ran inside, letting out battle cries.

"For the KKK!"

Token ran forward and knocked down a bit of barrier so that we could finally get through. Tweak was smashing and hammering away at the coffee table in front that was blocking our way to the stairs. A few moments later it fell apart and we ran forward. The elves began to advance, but Token and Tweak ran forward and began hitting them with all they had. They knocked them down pretty quickly.

"Where's the king?!" asked Token.

"He's over there!" Craig pointed to the kitchen. "He's hurt bad!"

"Good thing my Medicine skills are plus four!"

"We'll revive the wizard!" Craig said to me. "You guys get upstairs!"

I nodded and grabbed Butter's wrist, dragging him up the stairs with me. As we reached the top I heard a loud, feminine scream.

"Mrm! Mrmm mrm mmmm!"

"That's Kenny!"

Butters gasped. "They're raping the princess RIGHT NOW! We have to bust in there!"

I didn't hesitate to run to the door where the screams where coming from. I grabbed the handle and threw it opened, scared for what awaited me. Princess Kenny was on top of the bed, tied and bound. And an elven boy was on the bed next to her, jumping up and down on the mattress. I stood there for a moment, staring at the sight before me. I know we're all like 9 or 10 and we shouldn't even know what sex is, but Jesus these boys actually had me thinking that Kenny was getting raped!

"He's keeping her prisoner!"

I walked forward. "Hey, uh, could you let her go please?"

"No way! You're not getting up here!"

I sighed. Guess I was doing this the hard way then. I looked around the room, trying to find a way onto the bed. Then, I found it. The second shelf's left side was leaning down too much. I took out my bow and loaded and arrow, aiming and firing at the shelf. It tilted a bit before falling onto the other shelf. The bowling ball that had rested on top of it rolled down and knocked down the stone bust that was on the first shelf. The best fell onto the second side table and hit it so hard that one of its legs bent. The ball rolled more, knocking over a piece of are that looked like a set of stairs.

"Good thing Jimmy's parents are out of town."

Jimmy. So, that was his name. I ran over and hit the broken leg, knocking the table down more. I climbed up across the tables, climbed up the piece of art, and began to climb the shelves. Now, here is when I got stuck. I looked at the wire that lead from the wall all the way down to the lamp above the bed. I took out another arrow and fired at the lamp, causing it to fall and wrap around the border of the bed.

"Ah, shit!" the elf cried.

I jumped off the shelf across to the dresser and grabbed onto the wire. I jumped again and began sliding down the wire to the bed, heading right for the elf. I stuck my feet out and they connected right with his chest. He was knocked down and fell right off the bed. I ran over to Princess Kenny and quickly untied her.

"Mm mrphrm!"

She leaned forward and gave me a soft kiss on my cheek. I smiled and bowed.

"You're welcome, princess."

I helped her off of the bed and we all left the bedroom. All of the others, including Cartman, where outside waiting for us.

"Princess Kenny! How badly did they rape you?!" Cartman cried.

"They didn't rape her," I corrected him, folding my arms. "They were just jumping on the bed next to her. Nothing happened. What's going on out here?"

"We're trying to get into the Bard's room," said Token.

"I can't get through!" said Craig. "The door appears to be enchanted so I can't turn the knob!"

Cartman walked forward and tried to turn the knob himself. Nothing happened. He started banging his wizard staff against the door.

"YOU CAN'T HOLD THE DOORKNOB, BARD! THAT'S CHEATING!"

"Yeah, I can," Jimmy called from the other side. "I have the Stick of Truth, which means I control the universe, and I say holding the doorknob is okay."

Cartman groaned. "Ungh! Can he do that?"

"He has the Stick of Truth, he can do what he wants," answered Craig.

"Dammit! There's GOT to be another way into this room!"

I looked around, trying to see if there was another way around the house. Then, as I looked up I saw a small hatch that must lead to an attic. But, before I could say anything the door opened and an elf appeared, glaring at us.

"Hey! Let us up!" demanded Token.

"You're not getting up here! The ladder's up here with me, and I'm sure as shit not coming down there!"

I glared up at the elf. I was just considering just firing an arrow at his face when I felt someone tap my shoulder. I turned to see Princess Kenny kneeling in front of me. I had an idea and I pointed up at the elf. She nodded and stood up, clutching her dress like before. She called out to get his attention before pulling her dress down, exposing her chest to him.

"Well, lookie what we got here!" the elf cheered. "I'm coming for ya, baby! Oh, yeah!"

The elf disappeared for a moment before a long ladder came down. He climbed down until he reached the floor and made his way over to Kenny.

"Ooooh… Those are some big ol' bitties… Man oh man…"

Princess Kenny giggled before pulling out her hand mirror and smacking him over the head with it. He was easily knocked unconscious.

"Good job Princess Gone Wild," Cartman said as he pulled out a bag of Cheesy Poofs. "Double D buddy powers."

I rolled my eyes before walking over to the ladder.

"I'll be back."

Everyone nodded. And with that I started climbing it. The attic was dark and empty, save for a few oil lamps. I could see a pair of elves just beyond the pile of junk.

"It's too dusty up here. I TOLD the Bard I was allergic…"

I carefully climbed up a snowboard onto a different pile where the first oil lamp was. After breaking the glass, I used cup-a-spell to set it off, knocking off the objects that were in my way. I walked over another pile until I had reached the second lamp, which had been broken by the previous blast. I didn't hesitate to cup-a-spell again and set it off. This one was bigger than the first, and it knocked out one of the elves. I stepped down back onto the floor and turned to face the only remaining elf. His health had dropped below halfway from the explosion, but not enough to knock him out. He stared openmouthed at me and I saw his knees tremble.

"O-oh God… you're the Dragonborn! Oh please, please don't hurt me…!"

The elf backed up into the garbage and crouched down, shaking in his shoes. My glare fell and I was filled with what could only be regret. This elf really was scared… of me.

"I'm… not gonna actually hurt you, dude…" I said.

I took a step towards him and he flinched. I stared at him for a moment before turning away in shame. I wanted to play, but I never wanted other kids to be scared of me. Not like this.

Ignoring the trembling elf, I looked around for a way to get through to the bedroom. I heard a loud creak and looked down. The floorboards were loose and wobbly. I bent down to peer between the boards and saw that I was just above Jimmy's room. I looked around quickly for something heavy and found a large trunk laying on a shelf. I went over and pushed the trunk off the shelf and onto the floor. I fell through the floor and landed with a loud crash, right into Jimmy's room. I ran over and was about to jump through when I looked back at the elf. He was still shaking, but less so now. I paused. Even though we're enemies in this game, for some reason I felt really bad for scaring him like that.

I sighed, walking back over to him. He looked up at me, looking terrified. I dug in my pocket and pulled out a small box of Snacky Cakes. I held them out to the elf, who stared at me.

"Go on, take it," I told him. "You need to get your health back up."

The elf had stopped shaking and was now staring at me, looking surprised and amazed. He stared at the box for a few more seconds before he reached out and took it. He continued to stare up at me, and I smiled down at him.

I quickly turned and ran over to the hole, jumping up and falling through it. I landed on the ground and looked around. The Bard was standing by his bed, the Stick of Truth in his hands. He was staring at me, his mouth hanging open. I glared at him before I turned and opened the door. At once, everyone came and flooded the room, surrounding the Bard.

"You've nowhere to run, Bard!" said Cartman. "Give me the Stick of Truth."

"Take it from me if you can, W-Wizard King. Step forward now, and fulfill your de- de- and fulfill your de-de… Step forward now and fulfill your de… Step forward now and fulfill your de-de… Your de…. Your deeee… Step forward now and fulfill your d-d-d-destiny!"

"You are no match for a GRAND WIZARD!" proclaimed Cartman.

"The Stick belongs to us! And I shall use every bardic power in my class to keep it from you!"

"Fine. You wanna throw down, brah? Kick his ass, Ash!"

 _Oh boy, here I go again…_

"Who is Ash?"

"That's SIR Ash to you, Bard," I said, stepping up to him. "And I'm about to teach you some manners!"

I stepped forward, taking out my wand. Butters stepped up beside me, holding his hammer at the ready. Jimmy took out what appeared to be a flute and blew on it. I was surprised to see a trio of rats crawl out and over to his aid. I raised my eyebrows as I stared at the rats. What was I supposed to do about this?

As I pondered which move I should make, I remembered my new ability I had gained, "Lightening Volt". I decided that I could go ahead and test that out first. I targeted the middle rat first and dumped a whole bucket of water on him. It spread to all the other rats as well. Then, I took out my battery and connected the two red wires.

"Fuck 'em up!" cried Butters.

I smirked as I dropped the wires into the water pile. The middle rat took the most damage and the other two took some. I picked up the battery and walked backwards. Butters ran towards the middle one and smashed it into bits with his hammer. The second rat ran up to Butters and tried to bite his ankles, and the third one did the same to me. Jimmy didn't move from his spot, but took out his lute and started to play… a lullaby.

" _Sleep now, the whip-poor-wills are d-dancing… Gently now, put your m-mind to rest…"_

My head suddenly felt heavy as my body began to shut down. He was trying to put us to sleep. I groaned, keeping my head up as I glared at the Bard. There was a loud thud, and I turned to see Butters was asleep. No! I glared at Jimmy as I forced myself onto my feet and ran at him with my Dust of Dreams. I threw a fistful into his face and punched him hard. He whimpered, falling down to his hands and knees.

Luckily for me, he had put his own rats to sleep with his spell too, so it was my turn again. I took out a Roman candle and lit it up, causing Jimmy's hat to catch fire. I smirked as he recovered from being stunned only to be preoccupied with the fire. As he did, I saw Butters slowly start to wake up and get back on his feet.

"Oh gee… h-how long was I out?"

"Not long," I said. "We're still in this, though!"

I gripped my wand as I went for one of the other rats. All it took was two good hits and it was laying in bits. Butters ran up and hit the last rat once, knocking its health down. Then, Jimmy reached back and grabbed his cloak, pulling it up over his face.

"He's gonna play the brown note! Block it out!" Butters cried.

I shook my head before running forward and smacking him across the head with my wand. He stopped playing his lute and straightened up.

"You want a piece of me?!"

Butters went at the last rat one more time, and finally crushed it into a gross mess. Jimmy used his turned to drink a health potion and heal himself. I took out a Power Potion and drank it down, filling up my PP. I had enough to do my Lighting Volt again. I went straight for Jimmy this time, drenching him in water before taking out the battery.

"Fuck 'em up!"

I dropped the wires and it shocked him, bringing down quite a bit of his health. Butters didn't hesitate to run forward with his hammer.

"Feel my righteous fury!"

He raised his hammer as thunder rumbled, and lightening hit his hammer. He brought it down and it hit Jimmy full on, draining even more of his health.

This went on for several more minutes. Jimmy was definitely tougher than he appeared to me. He ended up putting Butters asleep again and even put me to sleep once, but we were both able to recover quickly enough. I probably used up most of my power potions just to get a heads up on him. Much longer into the fight, Jimmy was coming close to his end, while Butters and I were both just a few hits away from a knock out. Both of us had more cuts and bruises on our faces than before.

"Oh, you dirty w-wench!"

Jimmy was once again electrocuted by my Lighting Volt. I stepped back as Butters ran forward with his hammer in the air. He spun around and threw the hammer out at Jimmy's head, lowering his health a little more. Jimmy twitched as he brought out his lute and began to play once more.

" _Close your eyes, no more thinking 'bout- thinking 'bout t-troubles… Sleep now with J-Jesus, for you are blessed…"_

The sleepiness that came over me was powerful enough to bring me to my knees, but I fought against it with all I had. There was a loud thud and I turned to see Butters had fallen asleep on the floor. He had hit his head pretty hard this time, and I swore I could see a new bruise forming.

"Wow, what a terrific audience!"

I turned my head up to glare daggers at him. I pushed myself to my feet before taking out my Dust of Dreams. Running straight towards him, I grabbed a handful and threw it up at his face. I was able to get a really good punch in his chest. He groaned and kneeled, looking so much weaker. Since he was stunned, it was my turn again. I ran forward with a Roman candle in my hand and held it up to him. It sparked and flew into his face, causing even more damage.

"You s-swine shagger!"

I ran forward at him and gave three good hits across his face. His health was down more, but not enough. I heard groaning from beside me and I saw Butters slowly getting to his feet.

"Oh, not again…"

Butters shook his head as he raised his hammer, running up to Jimmy. He delivered two good whacks to the head, lowering his health more. Jimmy tried to slingshot some rocks at my head, but I dodged both of them. He looked much less cocky as I ran forward hit his head three times with my wand. So close…

"Knock him out, Butters!" I yelled.

Butters smiled as he ran back up to Jimmy. He raised his hammer and swung it at Jimmy's head.

"That smarts!"

With that, Jimmy fell over on his face, finally defeated. Butters and I leapt for joy as Cartman walked over to Jimmy and took the Stick from his arms.

"THE STICK IS OURS!"

"YAY!"

Cartman turned to me. "Ready to leave, Sir Ash?"

"Yes, Grand Wizard."

"Then let us make haste. This Inn is no longer safe for our kind."

* * *

After returning to the kingdom, Cartman immediately returned the Stick to its place on the pillow on the pedestal. I felt a sense of pride as I beamed at the Stick from outside the tent. This was all possible because of me. They never would have gotten the Stick back without me. This was perfect! Now, when they find out I'm a girl, they'll have no problem with letting me play with them. I'm set!

"The Stick of Truth is back where it belongs!" Cartman called out as he exited the tent. "Great job, men. Ash, for your heroic deeds and valiant self-sacrifice at the great Battle of The Giggling Donkey, I hereby make you an official member of the Kingdom of Kupa Keep. Welcome, to the KKK!"

I put a hand over my mouth in shock as everyone around me started clapping. Butters still clapped the loudest, smiling at me. I smiled at all of them and gave a small bow.

"Thank you, so much!"

"You're a pretty cool guy with a ton of potential, Ash. It would be foolish not to allow you into my kingdom."

"It's getting late," a soft voice spoke out. "The Grand Wizard needs to go night-night."

I looked up to see Cartman's mother standing in the patio doorway. Cartman face palmed, looking irritated.

"Okay, Mom- thanks for pointing out bedtime for everyone."

"It's a school night, hon. You and your little Druid friends need to-"

"WE'RE NOT DRUIDS, MOM!" Cartman yelled. "WE'RE FUCKING WARRIORS AND WIZARDS!"

I blinked, staring at Cartman in disbelief. I've never known any sane kid who would yell at their mother like that. He was a lot braver than I am. Or maybe he was just stupid. Or both.

"Ah, that's it! You're going to bed," Ms. Cartman came forward and grabbed Cartman by his cape. "The rest of you better get home too."

As she dragged Cartman away everyone looked at one another. They all gave each other the same look before disbursing and leaving the kingdom. I did the same, leaving as fast as I could so I could get home. I told Ms. Cartman thanks for letting me stay over before walking out the front door. Now that it was night the weather outside was much colder than it was earlier. The wind blew by my ankles, giving me goosebumps.

"H-hey, Ash…?"

I turned just as I stepped onto the sidewalk. Butters was standing there next to me, feet buried in the snow.

"What's up?" I asked.

"W-well… I was wonderin' if you and I could… walk home together."

I blinked, surprised.

"I mean, it's pre-pretty late, and it's really dark… so…"

"Oh Butters, you don't have to worry about me," I told him. "I'm not afraid of the dark."

"Oh, that's great! But, it's not for you, it's… for me. I-I'm kinda scared to walk home alone."

I let out a soft "oh", understanding completely. Butters looked embarrassed, but I smiled. It felt nice to think that I was the first person Butters thought of to help him get home. I turned back towards the direction of my house and held my hand out.

"Well, c'mon then. We don't wanna get grounded, do we?"

Butters smiled and took my hand. He held onto me tightly as I walked him home.


	5. Mr Spaceman

Ch. 5  
Mr. Spaceman

"Good night, my little angel," my mother soothed. "I hope you're as happy as we are. Everything is going to be better now that we're in this quiet little mountain town."

"You know, I think you're right, Mom."

She smiled at me before turning off the light and shutting the door. I turned onto my back, pulling the covers over me. I was so snug and comfy in my Ninja Turtle pajamas. Today had been such a fun day, and pretty long too. I had made so many new friends and I was having such a blast with this game we were playing. I can only imagine what other kind of games those boys could come up with. What about pirates? Or monster hunters? Boy, what if they played superheroes? Now that sounds like it would be cool! Maybe we can play after school, or on the weekends, or-

That's when my train of thought came to a halt. School. What was I going to do when I went to school tomorrow? I mean, most of my clothes aren't that girly, so I'm not worried about giving myself away. But, what happens when the teachers see me, or worse, introduce me? I'm the New Kid, obviously they'll introduce me to the class. Teachers tend to used students' full names. 'Ashley' is one of the most feminine names ever, and if they call me out by name there is no way I'll be able to get around it. The guys will know instantly. What'll I do?

My mind was spinning and running with so much in that it wasn't slowing down. I almost thought I wouldn't get to sleep. But, as nervous as I was, I knew getting no sleep wouldn't do me any good. So, with my mood much lower than before, I closed my eyes and tried to sleep.

I had a very weird dream while I slept. I kept hearing this ringing sound all around me, like a whistle or something. I could see light shining through my window, and heard my door creak open. I large white figure with big black eyes entered my room, not saying anything. Before I knew it, a whole group of them had surrounded my bed, looking down at me. I had a feeling of dread come over me before everything went black. I guess this was a weird nightmare or something? The dream took me through what I imagined was the forest by my house. I was dragged by my feet and onto what seemed like cold metal. As it dragged across my back I could feel parts of it scratch me enough to make me uncomfortable. Wait, why was I becoming less tired? I stretched my eyes wide open and-

Oh my god, this wasn't a fucking dream. I really had just been abducted by aliens and I was too tired to try to stop them. And I was inside their fucking spaceship! I was being dragged down a bright hallway when we went passed by some rooms. I looked inside and gasped in horror. Mr. Mackey, Craig and some dude dressed in leather were each in a room, strapped to a table with their asses in the air. They each had a machine hooked up to them from behind… inside their behind!

"…I'm having the dream again… Mkay… This is dreamy…"

"What's… happening…?"

"Oh Jesus…! JESUS CHRIST! Oho, could we try the big silver one again…? Ohoo…"

Okay, now I was really fucking awake. I leaned up and attempted to kick at the alien holding me, but his grip on my ankles was too strong. Soon enough, he brought me to a room of my own and placed me onto a small table similar to the others.

"Hey, w-wait-!"

I was flipped onto my stomach and my hands were pulled forward. Metal clamps came up over my wrists and held me in place. Suddenly, my ass was raised into the air and straps were put around my ankles. I gasped when I felt my pants being tugged down.

"F-fuck off! Stop!"

The aliens ignored me and continued to work. One pulled a long lever and I heard machine wiring from behind me. I glanced back as far as I could and saw a machine similar to the ones the other people had up their asses. The machine flashed and bleeped, then started getting closer.

"No, wait!"

Before I could do anything the machine came forward and shoved itself right up my ass. I yelped and grunted in pain, then disgust. The machine started moving around inside me, causing more pain than anything else. I tensed up, squeezing my ass as hard as I could. Suddenly, there was a loud bang and the movement stopped. Breathing heavily, I turned my head to look behind me. Apparently, I had squeezed my ass so hard that it broke the actual tool off of the machine.

As I stared in amazement the alien pulled the lever again. The machine replaced its tool with a much larger, darker one this time. I gulped. Before I could protest it had gone up my ass once again. This one was even more painful than that last, and I had to bite my lip to keep from crying out. Gripping my hands tightly, I squeezed my ass again, hoping to do the same thing again. Several seconds later there was a loud bang and the machine completely broke this time. The alien jumped in shock and immediately ran away.

Panting heavily from the previous pain, I turned around to look behind me. Unfortunately, when I broke the machine the tool had remained inside my ass. Before I could try to get it out it started shaking rapidly. Suddenly, a small antenna-like piece poked out, blinking and bleeping. It must have been a satellite of some sort. Before I could get a closer look at it, it retreated back into the tool, which was then sucked all the way into my ass. I grunted and my head fell to the surface of the table. I was feeling dizzy at this point, the mix of confusion and pain overwhelming to me.

"Is this your first time getting probed?"

I snapped my head up and looked around. There was another fucking table right beside mine, and on it was a grown man who appeared to be in his thirties, with dark parted hair. He was placed into the same position I was, his pajama pants pulled down as well, and his eyes were clenched shut.

"Y…yeah."

"Yeah, it's a pain, but this is the kind of stuff you put up with living in a remote little mountain town. At least we don't have to deal with traffic."

I shook my head as I started to shake. This wasn't happening, this couldn't be happening. This was normal? This happened often? What was I going to do?

"You know, I'm surprised. This is the first time I've seen the aliens bring a girl up here."

I paused in my panic for a moment. Did he just say 'girl'?

"You… you can tell I'm a girl?" I asked, turning my head to stare at him.

"Sure, I mean, why not? You look like a girl. Besides, the way you were squealing was way too girly, even for a ten year-old boy."

I rolled my eyes. "Hey, why are your eyes closed?"

"Oh, well I closed them 'cause you were… um, yeah. It's not appropriate with how you are now."

I felt a wave of embarrassment envelope me as I realized that my pants were still pulled down. But, I was grateful that he was considerate.

Now that I had gotten over the shock, I needed to find a way out of here. First things first; get off this table. I looked down at the clamps on my wrists and smirked. I leaned forward and began to spit on my wrists. After they were soaked I started to turn and wiggle my hands. Moments later, they slipped right out of the clamps. I quickly undid my ankle clamps and jumped off of the table.

"Hey, you broke free!" he exclaimed. "Kid, you have an incredible control of your asshole!"

"Okay, don't ever say that again," I told him as I yanked my pants back up.

"No, this is good! You can get me loose too!"

I nodded and walked forward, only to be stopped in my tracks. There was a strong shield around my area, encasing me in a bubble of sorts. I cursed and looked around, trying to find a way to help myself. My ass tensed and suddenly the satellite shot right out, blinking and beeping.

"Wow, look at that," the man said, his eyes now opened. "You must have broke off part of the probe and now you can control it with your sphincter muscles. Pretty cool."

Not even bothering to question how he had such knowledge, I looked around to see what could have triggered the satellite. I saw what looked like a tiny robot with antenna that looked like it was flashing and beeping too. I aimed the satellite at the robot and clenched. Immediately, I was transported from inside the shield, to outside the shield.

"I'm surrounded by some kind of force field, too. Go find a way to shut it off," he told me. "When you break me free, I can show you how to get off the ship!"

"Deal," I said. "Hey, who are you anyway?"

"Name's Randy Marsh. Now get going, hurry!"

I nodded before walking towards the door. My foot kicked something and I looked down to see the first probe piece that I had broken before. Grimacing slightly, I picked it up and stuffed it into my pants loop. I needed to have something to fend off the aliens, after all.

Without hesitating, I walked out the front door. This ship was… really fucking weird. I had no time to observe it as I needed to find a way out. As I looked around I saw that the corridor to my left was blocked by some kind of laser shield and a few aliens guarding behind it. They didn't seem immediately surprised by my presence, they just seemed to be waiting for me.

I looked above the aliens and saw that there was a large, broken tube that was spitting purple electricity. I reached down and picked up a piece of trash off the ground and threw it up. It blew up and killed one of the aliens, leaving only two left. I knew I'd probably have to fight these guys, but I needed a way to get to them. I looked all around the room, trying to see if there was another way around. That's when I saw another robot on the other side of the shield. I clenched my ass and the satellite popped out. I aimed it towards the robot and clenched my ass again. I was transported straight to the other side of the shield and behind the aliens into the next hallway.

Before they could do anything I took my probe and swung it down at one of the aliens. His health immediately went below halfway. Wow. These guys were pretty weak. The one I hit sent what looked like large, purple balls of light at me. I dodged two but one of them hit me right in the chest, shocking me. The other took the time to shield himself. I ran back at the first one and gave three, hard power attacks to his head. He went down and the other started sending more electric balls my way too. I blocked them all this time. I ran forward and hit him twice, knocking out his shield.

"Moo… Moo moo…"

I raised an eyebrow, staring at him. Why was he making cow noises? He fired more at me and I dodged. I didn't hesitate to knock him out once it was my turn. Curious, I decided to lout him and see what I'd find. Surprisingly, I found what looked like a ray gun. Awesome! I took it and pocketed it, feeling much more prepared than I had before.

As I walked through the hallway a small TV screen hanging on the wall turned on. Randy appeared, still in the same position I had left him in.

" _Oh hey, there you are. Oh, yeah. Yep. That's the lambda containment block. Take that elevator next to you. The probe in your asshole SHOULD interface with it."_

"Whatever you say."

I brought out the satellite and locked it onto the blue elevator panel. It fizzed for a moment before the elevator lit up green, unlocking it for me. I pressed the up button and the doors opened. I walked in and waited for the doors to close, letting the elevator take me with it.

* * *

God dammit, this Randy guy was really sending me off on a wild goose chase. He lead me up all around through the upper floor of this level, trying to find the machine to shut off the shields. But, even when I found one, it wasn't even the one that I needed to get him free. It just made the giant probe go up his ass over and over again.

" _Okay, let's try the other console. God, I hope this works!"_

I roll my eyes. Just as I took out my satellite I turned to see… what looked like a tape recorder laying in the corner on the floor. Curiously, I walked over to it and picked it up. It wasn't dusty or dirty, so it couldn't have been here that long. I pressed the play button to see if anything was on it, and I heard a voice speak.

" _Uh, hello… is this recording? If you're hearing this, I've been taken hostage on some kind of alien ship. The aliens did- unspeakable things to my rectal cavity. But, I've broken free. I'm so scared and alone. I must find a way off this ship. Oh god, they're coming! Why am I standing here making an audiolog? I don't have time for this!"_

The tape ended. I frowned and shrugged, dropping it on the ground.

I took out my satellite again and transported myself. I was teleported up through a floating panel and up to the top of this level. I was in a small, very narrow hallway. There were bright, orange lasers coming up from the floor, turning off and on. On the other side of the lasers were two aliens. I knew I had to get past them, but how?

Okay, these things are pretty weak. Maybe I can try cup-a-spell to distract them while I attack. I walked up as close to the lasers as I could, staring at the alien on the other side. As soon as the lasers turned off I reached behind, let it rip, and then tossed the spell out at the alien. It seemed to hit him right in his face, and a second later he fell to the ground, completely out cold. I stared down at him as the lasers turned on again. I hadn't expected him to get knocked down so quickly.

I peeked up through the lasers to see the other alien staring at me, apparently surprised. I smirked. As soon as the lasers were down I ran across, quickly cupping another spell into my hand. I tossed it out and it hit him in the face. He let out a disgusted 'moo' sound before falling backwards onto the floor. Once he was down I walked over to the small control panel that he had been standing by. Everything was written in a weird, alien language. But, if I had to guess, the big green button had to be good, right? I pressed it, and I heard a whooshing sound from behind me. I turned to see that a door had opened on the other end of the hallway.

I quickly ran down the hall and into the room. There was another machine and a screen that showed Randy stuck on the table. Perhaps this was the one? Well, here goes nothing. The buttons red, green, red, green, green lit up. I pressed them.

" _There! I think that- ARGH!"_

I looked up in time to see the probe suddenly shove itself inside of Randy. I winced, placing both of my hands on my butt in fear.

" _AHH! You've gotta be close… come on, try again!"_

I nodded and waited for the buttons. I was expecting another simple pattern, but no. The buttons started flashing and lighting up at top speed, going so fast I wasn't sure how many times they each lit up. It was yellow first, right? Or was it green? No, green was next. Right?

I gulped, and with a shaking hand, I pressed the green button. The machine on the screen lit up and shoved itself back inside Randy, more forcefully this time.

" _O-Okay… Next time's gotta be the charm… Give it all you've got!"_

"Oh my fucking god…"

I was starting to get annoyed at this point. I stood and waited. But, once again, the buttons flashed so erratically that I could hardly tell what order it was in. I raised my hand. Red, green, red, blue- The machine fired up again.

"Oh geez…" I muttered. "Are you okay?"

" _ARGH! You've… gotta keep trying… I believe in you!"_

"That might be a mistake."

I took a deep breath and stared down at the buttons, waiting and prepared to remember them this time. The green button flashed twice. That was it. I raised my eyebrows, waiting a few seconds just to make sure it wasn't a trick. Then, I pressed the green button twice. The machine didn't move, and Randy was still stuck.

" _Okay, that one doesn't work either. Head back toward the elevator."_

I groaned, stomping my foot on the ground. As I did, something fell over and hit the ground. I turned to see another tape recorder, as well as an extra tape. I eagerly picked it up and pressed play.

" _Day 2… so hungry… I've searched for food but the only thing I've found are other people's annoying, useless audiologs. Why did they bother when they clearly were in terrible danger? Each audiolog I find is more irrelevant and boring than the last. I must keep looking for a way to survive._

I stopped the tape and took it out. I quickly replaced it with the second tape and hit play.

 _Day 4… I've looked everywhere but can't find anything to eat… or a clue to get me off the ship. Just more audiologs. They're everywhere! For some reason, I listened to every minute of every one of them thinking there'd be some useful information; but it's like they're just FILLER! USELESS FILLER… THEY'RE FILLER THAT'S DRIVING ME TO MADNESS!_

"You're no better than them, dude," I groaned, dropping the recorder back on the floor.

" _Okay, I didn't want you to have to do this, but there's one more console you can try in the room across the bridge. The alien who works there is REALLY tough, so be careful and remember to use electricity."_

"Got it."

I quickly left the room and teleported myself back to the main floor by the bridge. I looked across and could see the next room over. There was a tall alien in a dark, impressive uniform. Just outside the room was a second alien that had what looked like a night guard uniform on. I tried to think of the best, and quickest way to get rid of them without having to go through a big fight. That's when it hit me.

I took out the laser gun from before and pointed it directly at the alien's head. I never shot guns much, but I played enough shooters to know what I'm doing. I pulled the trigger and the laser hit the back of the security guard's head. He fell forward instantly. The bigger alien turned at the noise, and spotted me. He let out an angry "Moo!" before advancing on me. I ran forward too. At the last second I brought myself down and slid past him with ease. As soon as I was up I swung my leg at his feet, knocking him down. He started to slide off, but quickly grabbed my ankle. I started to slide off too, and I grabbed the edge of the bridge at the last second. He continued to shout "Moo" angrily, grabbing at me and trying to climb up. I glared at him as I aimed the gun at his head and fired. A black burn mark appeared on his head, but he didn't let go. I shot again. He wouldn't let go. Finally, I smacked him with the butt of the gun, and he finally released me. He fell down, down to the deep bottom of the ship.

I quickly climbed back up, straightening myself out.

"Well… that could've been worse."

I ran over into the next room, where there several big red screens and a control panel. There was a large green button in the center, and I pressed it. The red screens changed to blue as they showed the rest of the ship, and I could hear the sound of something wiring down.

" _Hey, that did it! The force field's down. Come on back and we can get outta here."_

"I'm on my way."

* * *

"Great, you made it! Okay, use this panel here and we can all go home."

I nodded and ran forward towards his table. It was another button combination, of course. Yellow, yellow, blue, yellow. I pressed the buttons. Yellow, yellow, blue, yellow, green. I pressed them again. Yellow, yellow, blue, yellow, green, red. I pressed them all a third time. The panel lit up green, and the probe finally backed off. It seemed to just shut down completely. The probe fell out and a large, bright white crystal fell out of the back compartment and onto the floor. Randy turned his head, looking relieved.

"Oh! Oh you did it!"

"Thank god," I sighed, annoyed.

"Thanks, kid!" Randy leapt off the table and yanked his pants up. "I don't know who you are or if you're real, but consider me… your friend."

Not quite sure if this was a good thing or a bad thing yet, I just nodded.

"Thanks. Oh, um, name's Ash, by the way."

"Ash, huh? Odd name for a girl."

"It's short for Ashley."

I walked around Randy and over to the crystal on the floor. Curiously, I bent down and picked it up. It was obviously the power source for the probe, but why would it just fall out?

"Hey, any idea what this is?"

Randy didn't respond. I turned my head and was surprised to see he wasn't there anymore. I turned my head towards the doorway in time to see him run out, waving a friendly hand at me.

"Until we meet again, Ash!"

I raised my eyebrows as I stared after him. So much for a friend, huh? Maybe he was just dim or something.

I stuffed the crystal into my pocket and walked out the door as well. I was about to head for the elevator when I noticed a hatch at my feet opened. I looked over and saw a ladder leading down to a dark room. I looked from the room to the hallway, then back to the room.

"Well, not every day you get to explore a space ship," I said. "Might as well check this creepy shit out before I leave."

With that, I lowered myself down and began climbing down the ladder. It wasn't as dark as I thought, just poorly lit. This had to be the bottom level of the ship. There were tubes and wires going all sorts of places and steam coming through the walls. I cautiously looked around, trying to see if there was anything useful in here. I stepped on something and looked down. It was another audiolog. Oh boy… I picked it up and pressed the play button.

" _Success! I found something that looks to be food! It's some sort of green, florescent goo… I'm- I'm gonna have to try and eat some… It's not so bad. It's tangy and nutty, would probably go well with a- I- Wha-what's happening to me? What's it-"_

Just as I was starting to get concerned I heard a loud groaning enacted within the room. I took a few steps back, looking around. That's when I realized that the groaning was coming from behind me. I slowly turned around to face the dark corner of the room. There were piles of what looked like trash and beer bottles all around, and I noticed that it was moving slightly. I gulped, and slowly started to back away. As I did, I heard the sound of glass being crushed. I had stepped on a piece of a broken bottle.

Something suddenly burst through the pile and caused trash to go everywhere. It… looked like a hobo. But, he had slightly green skin and was yelling loudly in what I assumed to be German. I screamed, turned and ran for the ladder. I was able to start climbing it just as the hobo ran at me. He reached up and tried to grab my foot, but missed. I climbed up as quickly as I could and as soon as I reached the top I turned and slammed the hatch shut. I could still hear him yelling loudly in German.

I took several deep breaths, trying to calm myself. Though he spoke a different language, his voice had sounded familiar. He sounded just like the guy in the audiologs. Was that him? What happened to him? Was it the goo?

I scrambled to my feet and went down the hallway towards the elevator. Whatever happened to that guy didn't matter. I just want to go home right now. I walked up to the elevator and saw that the light was red. Apparently, it was in need of a power source to fix it. I wonder… I took the crystal out of my pocket and put it in the slot. It closed up and the light turned green. I pressed the button and the elevator opened. I stepped in.

In a matter of seconds, I was transported up to the top level. I reached a hand behind me to grab the blaster in case there were any aliens, but the room ahead was empty. I walked out and looked around. There was a large, circular panel with a hologram of our solar system. On the opposite wall there were dozens of different screens filled with houses and buildings, and I immediately recognized it as South Park. Craig's house was on one screen, Butter's was on another, and my house was on one in the bottom corner. Those bastards!

I took out the probe from earlier and marched right up to the double doors on the left of the room. They slid open, and I saw two alien officers sitting at the front, obviously driving the ship. As I stepped in they both turned and gaped at me.

"We've got a saying back on earth. 'An eye for an eye'," I said as I spun the probe in my hand. "So, who wants their ass torn up first?"

The aliens looked terrified for a moment before jumping out of their seats and pulling out their ray guns. I smirked. This was going to be easy. But just as they stepped forward a large machine came rolling around the corner and stopped between them. It had a large satellite on top and had a panel that was covered in red buttons. It didn't look like it had any weapons, but it was still intimidating. It suddenly did a scan on both aliens, and their defenses went up. Damn, looks like I need to take that thing out first.

The first alien fired at me, and I was able to dodge both blasts. The second alien fired, and I was able to block. Once it was my turn, I instantly turned my attention onto the matrix. I figured Lighting Volt would be best. I pulled out a bucket and tossed water onto it. I pulled out the battery, touched the wires, and dropped them. The matrix's health went down about halfway, and I even managed to hit the aliens too. I quickly backed away, ready for what they had in store for me.

The second alien fired at me again. I blocked the first one, but the second one hit me in the leg. As I was down, the matrix scanned and raised the alien's defense again. The first alien first two shots at me, and I blocked them both. I got back on my feet. I had just enough PP to do another Lighting Volt, and I had to go for the matrix again. I tossed another bucket of water on it and touched the wires. I dropped them in the water, and felt a small jolt go up my leg. My foot had been in the water when I dropped the wires. I lost a small amount of health, but the matrix lost even more.

As I stepped back the first alien pulled out a device and pointed it at me. It seemed to be scanning me. He typed in a few buttons and then stepped back. I looked up in time to see what looked like a giant fucking fire ball come fly straight for me. I dove down, hands over my head as it came crashing down. It barley scraped me. But as I stood up I saw that my right sleeve was on fire. I gasped and started slapping and patting at it, trying to put it out. As I was distracted the second alien fired at me and hit both of my feet, knocking me down to the ground. The matrix scanned the aliens again, and upped their defense.

I finally put out the fire and looked down at my sleeve. It had a large, blackened hole up towards my elbow.

"You dick! These were my favorite pajamas!"

Not even caring if I got shot, I grabbed the probe and ran full force at the matrix. I jumped up and landed on top of it. I raised my hands and smacked it hard three times, knocking off the satellite and crushing the control panel. I jumped off just in time as it suddenly exploded into millions of metal pieces. The aliens looked over at me, suddenly afraid.

"Who's first?" I asked, smacking the end of the probe in my hand.

The second alien, though shaking, raised his gun and fired three times. I dodged the first two and blocked the third. The first one fired his gun as well, but I dodged all of them. I brought up the probe and gave one huge power attack to the second alien. But his defense was so high, it only brought his health down a little.

This fight was going on for ages. I had no more PP, and no potions to replenish it, so I had to stick with what I had. They threw fire and lasers at me, and I managed to dodge most, only receiving a couple of hits. But, at this point my energy was running low, and so was my health. I had to defeat these guys and fast. But how? I didn't have enough health to last them both.

It was my turn again. I was going to go for the probe again, but that's when I noticed it. The second alien's health was dangerously low. Not as low as mine, but low enough that if I hit him at least twice, I should knock him down. I grabbed the probe and ran at him. I gave him two hard smacks to the face and he instantly went down, his laser gun falling out of his hand. I reacted and snatched the gun, raising it up and pointing it at the remaining alien. He aimed his at me, not moving an inch.

"Stay…"

I took a step towards the fallen alien. I held the probe in my free hand, gripping it tightly. Not breaking eye contact with the remaining alien, I raised it high and quickly shoved it right up the alien's ass. No hesitation. He groaned and squealed as I pushed further. His partner had a look of horror and disgust all over his face. I didn't let up until the probe was almost all the way in. I released it and brought both my hands to the gun.

I slowly sidestepped away from the alien and towards the control panel. The alien started making fast, angry 'moo' noises, waving his gun at me, but not moving towards me. He was scared, and I was happy he was. I continued to sidestep until I was in front of the panel. Keeping the gun aimed at the alien, I took one step backwards. The alien fired at me, I screamed and dropped down on my back to avoid it.

There was a big explosion and a flash of sparks. I sat up and saw that the front panel was completely destroyed. Lights were flashing and sirens were going off. I could hear the alien crying out, and I could hear more screaming throughout the ship. I scrambled to my feet and ran forward to look out the window. The ship was going back to earth very fast. It was heading for South Park. The ship started to shake violently, throwing me off balance. My feet slipped and I fell face forward to the floor. My head met hard metal, and everything went black.

* * *

I woke up rather easily the next morning. My head felt like it had been hit with a hammer, but other than that I seemed fine. I rubbed my eyes as I slowly sat up. I winced. My ass was freaking killing me! Suddenly, everything I saw while I was asleep came rushing back. Did last night really happen? I shook my head. No, I remember the space ship crashing into South Park. If it did happen, I would've died in the crash. How would I even get back to my room?

Carefully, I got out of bed and stretched my arms out. As I reached for my bedroom door, I glanced down and saw a large, black hole in the middle of my left pajama sleeve. I touched it with my free hand, gaping at it. It did happen…? But, how did I get home?

I flung open the door and quickly made my way to the stairs, practically running down to the living room. I was about to turn to go to the kitchen when I heard knocking at my door. I raised an eyebrow. Who the hell is knocking this early in the morning? I walked over and peeked out the window. It was Cartman. He was fully dressed in his wizard robes, and he was looking frantic. I was about to open the door when I realized that all my hair was down. Shit! I can't let him see me like this. He'll find out I'm a girl! I looked around before Isaw a black beanie hanging on the coatrack. I snatched it off and put it on, stuffing all of my hair into it. Making sure I looked boyish enough, I finally opened the door.

"Oh my God!" Cartman cried, running inside before I could stop him. "They came out of nowhere! There was a huge earthquake and then- and then there was burning in my yard!"

"Dude, slow down," I told him. "What're you talking about?"

"Didn't you hear about it?! It's all over the new! Here, look!"

He picked up my remote and turned on our TV. It switched to the local news station, halfway through a speil.

"… _And then a large earthquake and several large fires in the South Park area tonight woke many residents from their sleep. Here with the report is a midget in a bikini."_

The camera snapped to an image of what looked like the South Park Mall. But, despite the fact that there was a small man in a bikini, my eyes were focused on what was on top of the building. A very large, very familiar looking ship.

" _Tom, government workers here are assuring everyone that nothing out of the ordinary has happened. They claim that the only reason huge tents have gone up to cover this area is to mass the construction of a new Taco Bell, which will open sometime later this month."_

" _Thanks midget, I do love me some Taco Bell. The mayor of South Park states that last night's tremors and fires are under control and that hopefully schools and businesses can open again soon."_

I stared at the screen, my jaw hanging open. Everything that had happened last night, everything that I saw, it had all been real. I got fucking probed in an alien ship and made it crash into town!

"Oh my god…"

"I know, it's horrible!" Cartman continued weepily. "But that's not the worst of it!"

"I got fucking ass raped on a space ship that's crashed into our own mall," I said bluntly. "What could possibly be worse than that?"

"You don't understand! The Elves… they took the Stick!"

"Huh?!"

"Yes, they did! And it's _bullshit_ , because that is totally cheating. We specifically said no trying to take the Stick at night! Elves are dirty little liars and we have to lay waste to their entire base!"

I rolled my eyes. Clearly, the well-being of others wasn't a priority for him. Ignoring the stupidity, I turned to look at Cartman.

"So, are you sure the Elves took the Stick?"

"Who else would it be, Ash?! There's no other enemy we're playing with!"

"Alright, alright! Jesus!" I groaned. "So, why are you banging on my door this early in the morning?"

"Because I believe you will be able to help us!" he exclaimed. "You have some incredible ability to make friends quickly, Sir Ash. I'm sending you on a quest to go out into the lands of Zoron and recruit a whole other faction to Kupa Keep."

I blinked. "Wait, right now? I haven't even had breakfast yet."

"There's no time to waste! Every second spent here is another second the Elves have the Stick. We can't allow them to keep it," he pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket and handed it to me. "Find the goth kids and give them this letter. Get them to join our kingdom and we shall lay waste to the Drow Elves once and for all! Fucking cheaters…"

Without another word, he turned and walked out of my house, shutting the door behind him. I looked down at the letter then back at the door, glaring angrily.

"Fucking tit muncher…"


End file.
